Another World

Last night I as I wrote my last entry I came to realize that maybe its a good thing that I am having help for what I feel or see and it made me realize that maybe I shouldn't see my birthday that way. I realize I am quite dramatic, but as I was writing what I wrote last night there were some things that even I didn't realize that I felt. I think I should change those habits and sort out the feeling of feeling trapped. Maybe it is time for me to move to another city, another state where everyone I currently know can't get to me as easily all the time. I was jokingly saying I should move to another planet when "Another World" by Capsule started playing, and I was talking to my godmother today about everything in my life and how I felt about everything and once again without fail I started crying again. I don't know why I keep crying, and it absolutely annoys me to feel so much, and she said that she had talked about me to my godfather and had said that maybe its time I move on and build my own life elsewhere in a faraway land where no one knows me or knows of me so I can start to stop feeling trapped and feeling too much responsibility. She says that yes its easy for my parents to live with me and for me to feel this trapped because they don't have to worry about me but in a lot of ways they have influenced me feeling so trapped. She said that they gave me way too much responsibility and since I didn't feel like fighting with them that its crushing my spirit and what ever else is left of me and the person that I am.

 I think she's right. I think I need to leave everything and everyone behind and finally become who I want to be instead of crushing my own spirit in order to accommodate others and not hold others accountable for the responsibilities and jobs that they are supposed to do but don't. Like my mother for an example she always had me mother the kids. I feel like the kids' mother even though I am not. She had her fun she made her mistakes and I am not the one to be held accountable for something she did. I always felt accountable for my brother because I felt that since I asked for him I had to take care of him. I felt like he was one of my things and I should take care of my things, so I mum-med him. I overprotected him, because I felt that I had to protect him that it fell on my shoulders to protect him, and I am now coming to realize that he is not my responsibility I am my own responsibility but he isn't mine. I don't know how to feel because I know that my mother will manipulate me into thinking that he is my responsibility and he isn't.

My godmother also brought this up that my mother is very manipulative of me and hands all of her responsibility to me and I'm already trying to keep myself together and she keeps nit picking and flat out insulting me being very well conscious of what she is doing. Now, I realize that a lot of people tell me to move out and just live on my own, and yes that would be great if I didn't think of instead saving that money and investing it in myself and going to school because I want to go to school and I want a career so I can go far away from here, and another thing I would like to mention I don't sleep, I rarely eat, I keep working because I honestly do not think I'm human some days I think that I am a fixture or some sort of ghost hovering around the world and I forget basic human things because I am too much in my head. I don't want a job that is going to pay me like shit work me like there is no end and treat me like shit. I want a job that works me like there is no end but pays me like there is no end, and I think having a career can provide me with that. A lot of people take my mothers side because they aren't aware of how manipulative and emotionally abusive she is, and when I try to tell people about this they take her side and say that I am just spoiled, and for fucks sake I work for everything I have why can't people be jealous of "oh hey she's hardworking I wish I was like that," no its always "ugh she has everything and her parents give her everything," and let me tell you that I have starved at times in my childhood because my mother is so selfish and stingy that she wouldn't give me dollar to at least eat, but of course people will believe what they want, and what annoys me the most is that she manipulates people every which way and she is so fake and people buy into this stuff. My mother stopped aging when she had me and to make matters worse she acts exactly like a sixteen year old girl even though now she's well into her fifties now and she is arguing with me like she's sixteen and I am her parent.

Its confusing and I don't know why at this point after 24 years I expect any better from her, and as I am telling my godmother all of this it all starts to make sense to her, and God bless her but she says that I should try going to universities far away from here so that I can get rid of everything I am not here, and so I can live my own lifestyle.

I apologize for any one that actually reads this blog although at this point I highly doubt it I just feel like I have to write about it so I can make some sort of sense of it all.

-Fatima

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