Monday, May 1, 2017

Eternity

I turned twenty-six last week, and I find myself becoming incredibly understanding of myself, and yet at the same time I find the more I live in life that I become far more confused than when I first started. Maybe its the fact that I am an extremely stubborn person. Once I choose to believe in something nothing and no one can stop me or not stop me. I've been told that this is an admirable trait to have. However I find it an irritating trait to have, because once I get it in my head I will not stop until I can finish said task.
The more time that passes the more I feel that I become far more confused then when I started. I remember seeing my life like this eternal thing that I had so much time for as a child. I remember it like it was yesterday as I lay in my parents old brown flower patterned couch that was pushed against the front window of my living room so that it faced the dinning room instead of the window, and I remember as my mum vacuumed the brown carpet and I stared at the sun spots in the corner of the room I remember thinking "I have a lot of time until I am my mum's age." I even remember how eternal it felt to me thinking about how long it would be until I was that age. I also remember thinking about how I was going to own a red convertible after I graduated from Harvard according to myself, but I just looked at my mum and scoffed thinking about the day that I at four would reach her age. To me it was something I couldn't grasp therefore I wouldn't care about it for a while. I went back to staring at the ceiling.
I always assumed that my parents were old when they had me. I'm not sure why I felt this way or where I got this idea, but as I slowly but surely became their age I wondered how the hell they were even allowed to raised me when they were probably just as confused as I am at this age. I can barely take care of myself can I just imagine the unimaginable of having a child to take care of as well? At this point in time I can't say that I can see myself doing so. Don't get this wrong I do have the capability to love a child, however I also think of my experiences of a child and I would of liked to have my parents around a lot more than I did, and I know for a fact that at this point in time I can't say that I could do that. Another thing about my parents was that because both of them were a lot smarter than they claimed to be they grew bored very quickly with the life they choose to led. I saw as my parents who to me have claimed that they love each other I saw throughout my childhood as that same love that got them to be together in the first place died. I don't believe you can love someone for the rest of your life, because things will happen and other forces will say that "love is tough and you have to fight for it," and all of these things to convince you that it exists so they can sell you on the idea of loving someone else, but the truth is even the happiest of couples who have been together for a long time are just doing it after a while out of habit not out of love.
I know that I am an advocate of self love and self realization, and in a way it might be expected of me to say this but I don't believe in love, nor do I believe in sharing your life with someone else. I'm sure most of you who read this and know me will argue that I've never been in love therefore I cannot make assumptions, but to you I say this: in my experience this time around I don't think I was made or molded to love people. To me this is a very odd thing. I don't understand why you have to find a partner to stay with out of fear of dying alone, because that is what is going to make you happy. I have seen not just my parents but a lot of people tear themselves apart because of this idea, and to me to apply this ideology to my own life after seeing all of this is ridiculous. Yes you can argue that I am: "amargada, a pessimist," and so forth but I tried this ideology a few times as you have seen if you have read my previous posts, and it clearly didn't work out for me not because it was my partners fault necessarily, but because deep inside me I knew and something wouldn't let me. There was a time where I fantasized how "love was going to save me" but now after ten years of rewiring my brain to do something useful with my time instead of focusing on such notions I find myself at peace.
My parents find it odd that I have been saying that I would not get married nor would I date since I was three. At first they too worried and said that I was inexperienced, and at three years old I gave it to my parents that I hadn't seen the world, but to be fair I was also ready to move out of my parents house when I was four then I stopped myself because I couldn't get a job to support myself. There were many times in my childhood that I stopped myself from running away from my house because I wouldn't have shelter, and where would I get food? or a job? Thus I never ran away, but I stayed angry that I couldn't leave. As I grew older I grew angrier, and like a pot of boiling water one day I had a series of explosions to the point where I no longer felt anything. My own anger made experiencing other emotions a foreign concept. I stopped having empathy for anything other than myself, and learned how to act really well. Obviously a lot has happened since then and these things just spill out of me suddenly, but even though I don't waste time with things like applying the ideology of loving someone else. I do heavily apply the principle instead to loving myself, and yeah I enjoy a good Shoujo Manga and so forth I think I enjoy the story far more than if I had to live through it.
Well so much for me keeping it lighthearted.
Till next time.
-Fatima

Confidence

Lately I find myself wondering about things like inner peace, and the way I work in particular. My two friends say I am a narcissist but if I was a physical male I would be considered confident, and I don't think there is anything wrong with believing in yourself and making yourself a better person for the sake of you. I do not understand why when someone has a lack of self esteem as a woman they are more likely to be much more accepted than a woman who has self esteem. Instead of being seen as confident they are seen as a narcissist. In fact it is much more social acceptable and marketed so that people hate themselves and there is a huge market for telling you how you should look and how you should act when the reality of it all is that no two people are alike.
-Fatima

Time

It is December, and I feel like the year just flew right by us. I'm not sure where the time went. I find myself not really questioning anything or pressuring myself anymore since I started to live alone for the first time in my life I feel myself content. I don't feel the pressure of not knowing what I am doing. I find myself letting go of people who have bad vibes, and I don't really want to vibe with and find myself much more content in the company of myself. I have proven to myself that I really was designed to live by myself. I do wish that I had moved out on my own in Chicago is the only downfall. If I had moved out in Chicago on my own and not gone to School I would of had the company of my family and my best friends who have become family after knowing each other for 15+ years. Although the peaceful atmosphere of the country is also very nice. As a child I always wanted to live in the country, and now as an adult I have fulfilled that desire that I had as a child, and I realize that I really am a city person even if there isn't much going on in my life I like my surroundings to be erratic, and busy.
I find it odd when people refer to me as a girl or a woman. I have never seen myself as that, and even though I am physically a woman and even then not as much as you would imagine I have never acted like one nor do I have the desire to do so. To be fair I don't know.
-Fatima

Old Songs

I find it odd to hear a song that I used to listen to ten-fifteen years ago. It brings a certain level of discomfort as I actually listen to the song and wonder how no one sucker punched me because I was singing that song or playing that song until my ears bled. Then there are those songs that spark certain memories from a previous time period. The type of songs that make you lost within your own head as you start to think of one thing and it leads to another memory that you could of sworn you had forgotten long ago. I don't find myself reminiscing anymore as much as I used to like when I would before. I believe I kept replaying those memories because I felt that if I analyzed it further I could of seen what it was that I missed, I could of seen where I went wrong, and understanding it and making peace with it. However I see that the more I played the same memories the more I stayed in that time period I was trying desperately to escape. I wonder why I took so long to realize that doing this was not normal. I realize I have come a long way since I started writing here. I've told you stories of all the nights I didn't sleep, because no one will ever tell you the story of when they went to bed early, and by doing so I did miss out on other opportunities. I constantly think of one of my favorite movies Mr.Nobody where he says:
"If you don't choose anything is possible," and we see as all of the choices are played out in the film however we never know what really happened with Nemo Nobody. I feel the same. I feel like after a while I would let the choice make itself "if it was meant to then it would be," was my philosophy on my life. Yet everything I used to think would happen never did because I never made choices. Even if you don't make choices life will make them and it probably won't be in your favor.
Speaking of that is another thing I find myself thinking about a lot. I feel like the minute I came out of the womb someone was already screaming at me how "Life isn't fair," "Life doesn't owe you anything," and much to my annoyance people would tell me this. It is what it is, but following the rules definitely did not get me some prize of life that I assumed it would. In fact following the rules is the reason that I trapped myself in a box. Consciences, what's right and what's wrong really doesn't get you much of anywhere. It wasn't until I took the liberating first step of not following the rules, but of following my own way that I realized all of these rules that were implied were what was trapping me in a box which was when I decided that when I died I wanted to be creamated, because I spent my entire life in a box I was not going to spend my death and the rest of eternity decaying in one. Then it hit me Death is fair. Death takes; young, old, rich, poor, sick, healthy. It seemed humorous to me that this entire time
It's been a while since I've been here. I realize I appear sporadically here as well, but I find myself lost in my own world lately and completely comfortable with being lost there. I am quite stressed out to be honest. I feel like I started off on the wrong footing this semester and I am coping with it the best way I can. I'm kind of glad I didn't take on anymore activities than what I did because I would of drowned in my own stress. I am having a tough time with these classes, but I hope that I will work hard enough to pass them and to learn the material so I only have to do it once.

-Fatima

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Flood

It's been a while hasn't it? So many things have happened since I wrote here last. My first apartment got flooded and my landlord moved me to a different apartment which is much nicer than my first apartment. I just finished moving my things today and as I stood in my first apartment one last time I grew sad. This feeling of sadness overwhelmed me and "There's never a right time to say goodbye," started to auto play in my head. As I stood there in the empty humid apartment one last time I came to cherish the time I had spent there this previous semester. I did not realize how much a part of me that apartment had become. I remembered things like when my brother came to visit and we cooked food while watching Bleach on my TV, or how my mum helped me move in, and as I stared out the window I grew more upset by the minute that my time there had come to an end. 
I feel like before I knew it I had come to terms with living alone and having my own space. That apartment had become a part of me and I did not think that I would leave it as soon as I did. Well it more of like left me, but I wasn't prepared for something so sudden like a boiler exploding on the third floor and seeping its way onto five other apartments including my own. I've thought about it and while I was a bit angry with the fact that my TV had water damage or that the water got into my printer and it no longer works (I was reimbursed for all of the damage by my landlord,) I am slowly coming to terms that maybe this was supposed to happen to get me out of my comfort zone. I am thankful that I wasn't in the apartment because I honestly do not know what I would of done if boiling hot water had fallen on me,
I am back in the University town after an enlightening time back home for the holidays. A lot of unfortunate things happened to others that while they did disappoint me because they were happening also became a learning experience and I was better able to fully comprehend that I had made the right decision about my life, and about staying in school and somehow someday finishing my degree. 
I felt really upset yesterday for a number of reasons. For starters I had a really horrible dream that I couldn't shake off so I had very little broken sleep, and then I was put into an unexpected situation where in two of my classes grad students are teaching them throwing me completely off but I hope for the best for both of them and that they learn a lot, Although in my first class because it is a Japanese 2 class the grad student came up to me and asked me a couple of questions because I am a transfer student so I didn't take Japanese 1 at this school where I am currently at but at my previous Uni, and it threw me off, and I'm not sure if it threw me off because I had a lack of sleep the night before or I was nervous, or I was thrown off that he was a year older and I was questioning my life's choices because he had his life pretty put together, and I did not, or if I was imagining the situation completely different from what the reality was, or if I was nervous as hell, but I had to keep myself from blushing because I felt embarrassed and I'm not really sure why.
As I was talking to my mother today I came to the dark realization that maybe it was because I had not played video games so my obsessive personality was not being satisfied because I was going through withdraw symptoms and I was not obsessing over a game or a game mission. I still haven't played I have my TV on an intense drying therapy so that I can try to salvage it and play soon.

-Fatima

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Simple

Lately, everyone I know has asked me: "Have you packed yet?" and I've said no. They worry and scould me: "When are you moving?" and I say on thursday, and they scould me by saying: "It's almost thursday?!" and I find it both amusing and sweet that they care so much for me. My job is in distress over having to lose me. My boss, and her boss have both offered me so much support, and it's really fucking nice that they all care so much for me. I am very grateful for the people who have come and positively impacted my life. The group of people that I am grateful for are a lot of the reasons why I am sure I had to know what it was like to be in a negative environment with people who were mismatched to me in order to appreciate this good time in my life.

I think we meet these people in our lives that we aren't meant to have forever, but for a short time in order for them to teach us something. We spend most of our lives not listening to people but thinking of how to respond that you don't listen to what they are saying. In my case I had to learn that there isn't good in everyone, and that I should learn to walk away from someone when I know they aren't good or that we aren't compatible as friends or companions. I know that people say that companionship, friends, and general relationships are built throughout time, but sometimes after a while when it gets tough and you wish people would come in the middle of the night because you are having a panic attack, and drive you around until you've calmed down, and they come in the middle of the night to do this you should also correspond the same way if they ever have a problem that they need help with. I realized this two years ago when a friend of mine came in the middle of the night as I was having a panic attack and drove me around. It was then I realized that I could call this person my friend. I think that at that moment in time we were very compatible, and that we had a really great friendship. I still think of this person as my friend, however we've recently embarked on different journeys and have not seen each other in a while.

Fatima