Saturday, May 7, 2016


Lately, I have been thinking a lot about many things. Mainly I have been thinking about my past experiences and choices I have made and for better or for worse those choices have made me who I am. I choose to be this person writing before you. I think a lot about all of the love that I have given, and all of the love I have rejected as well. Mainly I think of this one person who was in love with me, and I with him, but because I feared everything that came with loving him I pushed him away, and even though he's moved on and I disappeared suddenly from his life and never saw him again, and now I know he's hopefully happy with the person he is with and the family he started, I find myself thinking a lot about him. It is something that I did regret but at the same time I do not regret the choice I made with staying away and eventually disappearing. I wonder like most of you I wonder what would of happened if I had been together with him, but I also realize that my character and personality while impossible and difficult are also a facade in order to cover my weaknesses, but in the years that I disappeared from his life I went through some of the toughest times I have gone through as a person. My panic attacks started, my depression became worse, and I pushed people away the closer they became to me, and I think it would of been difficult for anyone to have been with me as my significant other, and in a lot of ways I am grateful that I did was not together with anyone.
The truth of it all is I don't know how to be with someone. I've never tried because I do not like myself for who I am. I'm getting better about learning to like myself, but it took me years to get here. I am extremely grateful to those people who even though I  was the biggest piece of shit there was stayed with me because they loved me enough to know I would grow out of it, or guided me out of these phases I had. There have been a lot of people who have tried to become my friend, but I push them away, and I keep pushing them until the day comes until they either decide its difficult and they don't want to try anymore (but I really do not blame them) or they do something to make me realize that I shouldn't push them away.
Someone asked me a while back when I "would get back in the dating game?" and to answer this I don't think I will. I am stubborn, insecure, honest, giving, loyal, but I am not the kind of person to force things that are not meant to happen. I find people I know scrambling like mad to find someone to be with for a short while, or just to be with, and it feels like they are looking for someone to be with like they are running out of time, or they are forcing things and then wondering why it didn't work out. I do not judge these people, because I am not feeling what they are feeling. Instead I ask them these questions in order to understand their feelings, but I always get a variation of the same answer: "Because I don't want to be alone."  Is it that I do not feel the same rush or need because at this point of my life I've grown comfortable with being myself? or is it that I've gotten used to my own company that now other people drive me insane? I do not know.
I think that I am in love with the idea of being in love. I want to feel something more than fear, or hatred. I was talking to someone about this, and I said that I love Keira Knightley movies because there is always a moment where she knows she loves the other person, because the thought of them disappearing or losing them is enough for her character to know that she loves them. I realize that this is not the case with real life, and that maybe I might be a pessimistic hopeless romantic, but something in me still holds out for something like this. I would think that if you met the love of your life that at some point of knowing them and being close friends and all the day would come when the world would stop for you for just a second, and it would be then that you knew you loved that person. I realize this might be asking for too much, but as the person who I told this to told me that I wanted to feel passion for someone. My parents want me to feel passionate for something, it could be anything really just as long as I felt passionate to the point where I stood up for something, but I've been following the unwritten rules of life and my parents for so long I've lost my will to live and have become a wallflower in my own life. I keep getting asked by my therapist: "what do you like? what do you want to do?" and honestly everything I've ever felt passionate about before gets crushed by my own sense of realism that the world and its circumstances doesn't have to do it for me. My parents want for me to feel so much passion that I stand up for something that I stick the middle finger up at the world and say: "this is what I am passionate about and this is what I am doing because I want to do this."The reality of the situation is if I am given the opportunity to do things my way I wouldn't know what to do because I've lived with the rules for so long that I wouldn't do anything if there weren't any rules. I realize I am 25, with the heart and regrets of a 50 year old, but I no longer want to feel anything anymore. I want to give up completely on loving someone, because at this point I should really know myself well enough to know that I am not the kind of person to stay with someone, and at this point it's become a waste of time for me, and this is time I no longer have. I hope someday I do find some sort of peace within myself. It's like that quote by Albert Camus:

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

I would hope that within me there is something stronger pushing against my negative forces, but until I fix myself I won't make someone else go through my misery with me, because everyone deserves to be happy in their own way, and I will not be held responsible for someone's misery or happiness other than my own.

Lately I've had a string of uncomfortable run-ins with people who I knew in my past, but we had complications, and so I disappeared from their lives. Thankfully, it has only been run-ins with their family members who still greeted me very warmly. I do not know if I would of been as composed had I encountered the people whom I had disagreements with in the past.

I forgot to mention; I got a new job as a filing assistant in a company somewhere closeby but far away enough from my house. It is refreshing to do something I enjoy very much in a company where the company policy bears no hostility towards your co-workers. It is very enjoyable. Far more enjoyable than my last, but I enjoy the warmth of the people I work with and I enjoy their experiences, and I am grateful that I can work in such an amiable place.
I realize it's been a while since I've written here, and it wasn't until someone pointed out that I hadn't written on here that I got to it as they say.
Thank you.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Thursday, January 21, 2016



For as long as I can remember my Father always said to me to: "Fall in love with someone who loves you more than you love them." I think about this a lot. I've analyzed my parents to see if this is true and honestly I don't know because it seems like this concept applies to them, but I don't know if my parents are really only together because they feel like they are raising us correctly or because both of them fear being alone and that is something I've never had a problem doing. I've never had a problem being alone, and I think it's because my parents raised me to be overly independent, because they are both terrified of being by themselves. I have had relationships where I have loved the person more than they loved me, and I felt a loss of self control, and it sucks. I've also been in relationships where people have been more in love with me then I was with them and I'm not too sure about what my Father said.
My parents are only together because of a need that they have to not be alone since both of them grew up with no parents or parents that made them adults at an early age, so both of them resent being forced to be adults at an early age. Naturally when I came around I'm not sure if they were happy, or angry, because I was something that was theirs and their lack of time was due to all of their responsibilities they took on at an early age. I could never imagine doing that. I am now the age my parents were when they had me, and I can't even take care of myself much less alone raise a child at this particular moment. I have no stability until I finish school. I can't even imagine moving out because I made a promise when I was younger that I would only move out once. I was not going to move out then move back in with my parents I can't stand the thought of me failing on that area of my life.




I went to the capital yesterday, and I get tired just looking at the capital. It's not a strenuous ride or anything I just find it stressful to be there for several reasons.

  Why I find going to the capital city stressful

-My grandmother goes on a pilgrimage tour. Anywhere my grandmother goes there is a pilgrimage tour, and I have my own ideas about religion,  and they don't match her fanatism. We see every church and religious object in the city. It drives me crazy.

-There is an inhumane amount of walking involved.

-The train map look like a tree year old drew it.

-The train gives me a great deal of anxiety, because of all of the stories that everyone who has been there have told me.

-Apparently, according to the people that have lived there the people of the city rob people a lot, so I'm anxious about everything more than usual all the time.

-I like looking at all of the buildings, and all of the things they have because their architecture is really neo-classical, baroque, and then you have the bauhaus style of architecture in a complete other part of town, and then theres the business buildings in a hidden corner of town that are modern and look like they are trying too hard to copy the bank of China the one designed by I.M. Pei, and its a lot to look at in one day.

-My grandma and Co never listen to my explanations about the buildings.



I'm worried. I am very worried lately. In about six months I am going to have to switch schools in order to finish up my career, and it worries me a lot more than I am letting on. I'm worried that if I don't go out of state or at least out of this city that I am going to be failing myself. I've been joking around with some people about applying to Harvard, but a lot of people have been really encouraging about it, and I might do it even if it is to just get that out of my system. I'm looking at Parsons the New School in New York, and Southern Illinois University in Carbondale, Illinois. I just have to have the guts to finish both of their applications, and follow through. When I was seventeen I had a school counselor who was interning for the high school where I was going to tell me that my problem was that I never followed through with whatever it was I was doing, and that I was more afraid of it failing then it working. I agree fully with him. Its not that I lacked motivation, because I have quite a bit of it, however as I am sending in the applications I get a vision in my head about the letter of rejection getting sent before I even send out my application, and that's what stops me. For a long time I felt the same way about my music.  I wouldn't publish my music on the internet because I was afraid of people telling me that I suck. The hardest thing I have done (besides climbing that awful mountain twice!) was put my first song up on soundcloud. I felt like I was giving up my newborn to the internet, and I was constantly checking for something to go wrong for a day I painstakingly waited for something to go wrong before I would take it down. When I went to check up on the song it turned out it was doing really well and that encouraged me to keep it up and to keep recording my songs, and I felt encouraged to keep going forward.


Bro Bae Tales

I recently started going to school again, but three of my friends are in a class together, and I find it very funny that the three of them have managed to tell me about Bro Bae. One of these friends is my brother, and the first day he told me about Bro Bae. It's humorous to me, because his description was:

"He looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, but like he is now but he has Jax Teller hair, and he's blonde, and I don't know if I'm attracted to him, or I want him to be a part of my Sons Of Anarchy cosplay group for c2e2."

Curious about Bro Bae I prodded him, and my two other friends for more information, because I find my brother's reaction to the entire thing hilarious because he is a very serious person, and for him to come and tell me that:

"I think I'm questioning my sexuality."

"Why?" I ask nonchalantly.

"Because there's this guy in my class that I'm not sure if I'm attracted to or," he says. I spin around in my office chair with my leg crossed on top of the leg that is pushing my chair around, and I lean my head onto my arm, and look at him because these kind of questions are completely normal and acceptable in my life. I decide it's best to prod him to go forward because I have been waiting for him to say this his entire life.

"And?" I say my facial expression trying to hide the fact that I've just watched six seasons of anime, and that this secretly kind of makes me happy. He starts to pace the room, clearly concerned for himself.

"His name is [Bro Bae for all intents and purposes] and he looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, but like how Leo is now, and he has Jax Teller hair, and he's blonde, and I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him, or I want him to be part of my Sons of Anarchy cosplay group for C2E2," he says.

"Dude who cares if you are into him like that it's your life," I say. "But seriously it wouldn't hurt to get him into your SOA C2E2 cosplay."

He looks concerned that I might be judging him or that I might be letting my imagination run wild when in reality I was glad for him. As the night went by he kept changing how he felt about Bro Bae. I jokingly brought up if Bro Bae wasn't into him there was a selection of people, but then he said:

"I don't want to be with him like the way you are thinking. I want to be his 'bro' or like I want to be his best friend forever," he said. I tell him that I get crushes on people but I don't want to be in a relationship with them that I just want to be their best friend, and I ask him if that's weird. He says that that is how he feels about Bro Bae. It was then that we deemed Bro Bae as Bro Bae. Its interesting because when I get crushes on people or I start to like someone it's not because I want to be in a relationship with them I just want to be their best friend but like a territorial best friend. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well enough.


On another note I once again almost wandered into the wrong gendered bathroom although I really don't think anyone would of noticed because I can pass for it in some aspects, but in others I can't and that upsets me.