Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Time Waits for no one.

So I had a journal a while back entitled: Dear Four Year Old me, and I found the last entry I wrote on there intresting I'd thought I'd share it with you lot.

"Dear Four Year Old me,
I’ve decided that this will be the last entry I write to you here. I have finally come to the conclusion that Time won’t wait for me. For the majority of what I will have to say you will have to experience in the near future. There are a few things I would like to say.
-Stop wishing to be an adult.
-I know you hate when people tell you that you are going to grow up in the blink of an eye, and unfortunately the downfall to this is that they are right and you probably think I’m wrong right now, but let me remind you that I am you, and I already went through all of it.
-Don’t depend too much on your mum and dad, and don’ t think that they will replace all of those years that they weren’t there for you instead use that to your advantage to separate much quickly therefore being less hurt over the whole thing.
-Disappearing is fun, yet it is very lonely.
- Being alone and being lonely are two different things and they are both okay to be.
- You will be very unhappy most of the time.
- Life is hard.
-Life sucks.
-Adulthood sucks.
-The internet is about the only good thing going in this era.
-Although I think all of this sucks I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
-Also I wouldn’t go back in time and change anything.
-I don’t regret my life nor the choices I made.
- I am very content with my loneliness.
-I’m glad I’m waiting on my tattoo’s right now as an adult because I feel if I had done Tattoos before this I would of regretted what I had gotten.
This is me. I am your biggest disappointment.


P.S. This is not my last entry here but it was in that journal.

Friday, June 27, 2014

The L word

Today as I started browsing the internet for good upcoming movies to watch it occurred to me: Why are we obsessed with being loved? Every movie I scrolled past had some form of love. We spend a good majority of our lives thinking about it or being advertised about it. In fact if you noticed the majority of top songs are about love whether that love is towards a city, an object, it always traces back to a person. "Because there is always something there to remind me," (Naked Eyes.) Parents say it to their children, people say it to each other, but what is it really? Its not this Nicholas Sparks fantasy that a lot of people are fooled by. Love is painful. Love is knowing that at any moment you can lose that person, and knowing that it will hurt you a lot more than it will hurt anyone else.
The best advice (as I have said it a multitude of times on this blog) I have ever recieved came from a fortune cookie: "Our first love, and our last love self love."


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

White Socks (Sox's)

Last week I went to the White Sox's game against San Francisco Giants. I was invited by the Midway Baseball Association, and what they do is they are a baseball league that my younger sister is with, so I went with them. Since I went with The Midway Baseball Association we got to go on the field.

It was fun.

Thursday, June 12, 2014


My friend Carysle passed away last night. I can't believe it. In fact I don't believe it. I'm shocked and upset but I don't know why it happened to him. Why now? Why him? But I don't blame God over this. God has his reasons. I hope that when I die I don't die suddenly that I have time to say goodbye time that Carysle didn't have. I feel really lightheaded since I've been told. My brother is waiting for the point where shit hits the fan for me, but so far it hasn't hit me. I had to tell a few friends and Professors the unfortunate news and they started to cry the minute I told them, but the person who told me very bluntly and straight to the point because I am a no bullshit person. I got very agressive I felt the floor slip from under me and I just leaned on the wall the world started spinning and I became very agressive. According to my brother I'm acting too nice for my own good. I keep reminding myself to breathe and that crying is a shortage of breath.
I remember the first time I met Carysle. I was nineteen years old. I had just decided on taking on the architecture major and had just transfered in into the school that I am currently at. I was a gothic kid who did not want to make any friends. Carysle would make fun of my gothic anti-social phase for years to come. I was in my architecture 121 class catching up on drawings when Carysle appeared out of nowhere and started talking to me. I dismissed his comments just as I had dismissed many others before, but every week before his class he would come and talk to me about assignments and we would work out the best way of approaching them. Before I knew it Carysle had become my first friend in a really long time.
Before I knew it four years had passed by and I'm proud to call Carysle my friend he believed in me in times when I didn't believe in anything. I don't think it was his time to go. He had many lives to affect and I will miss him. I will miss how he would talk about how much he hated any other color that wasn't grey because of his previous school. I will miss the long talks we had about the Avatar and how it related to architecture right outside the classroom. I will miss how we would gang up on people about them not being vegetarians. I will miss how when one of us was stressed out about the work that we were working on or our classes the other would sit silently and listen to the rampage and once that person had calmed down the silent one would help out the other. I will miss how our one professor made fun of Carysle and I for misspelling something on our drafts for our presentations. I will miss how even with a GPS and google maps we always managed to get lost and end up in buildings that looked like they came out of Robocop, or how he nagged me about planning to apply to my dream school in NY and saying how I should go with them and the rest of the Clan to SIU, and I told him how I needed to see something that wasn't Chicago anymore. That was one of the last conversations we had. I told him: "Carysle I was born here I was raised here and theres a good chance I will probably die here. I need to see the world." He said: "NAH! just come hang out and go to school with us at SIU!" and I laughed and said I wouldn't get anything done because I would be distracted having a good time with everyone. I miss him and I will always miss him. Carysle is one of my best friends and it won't hit me that he is gone until I walk back into that room and see the empty seat where he used to be.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Dead Meat

I've been dying to watch season six of True Blood for a while now. Unfortunately, I have this thing about this series since I started watching it by buying the entire box set I'm never left with the suspense of having to wait an entire week for the next episode I just buy the box set and watch it all at once. Then I watch it again and again in order to not torture myself about having to wait so many months just to watch the whole season. However I just heard the best song since yesterday when I was obsessed with Sara Bareilles "Brave." Which is also a good song, but the song that I am talking about is a song called "Dead Meat" by Sean Lennon and now I have never his songs before however I will be as of now. He is a very talented song writer, and I don't think his name had anything to do with it, but the songs he writes are both meaningful and beautiful.

Its raining today. I never realized how much I missed the rain. It was kind of cloudy the day I was born I'm pretty sure it rained. Although I can't say I remember much. I hope it rains all week.


Sunday, June 8, 2014

The Cat

Today at work I was thinking about my grandmother. My grandmother always refers to me as the cat in her grandchildren. She's always talking about how as a child she would leave me in one spot and several hours later I was still there.

My mother is always talking about how I died three times as a child and was revived miraculously and how I only have six lives left and to make them count. I find it funny how suiting the nickname cat is for me. I'm really lucky. My mum told me about how as a child I would have a lot of seizures which she though was just me throwing a tantrum (although as a child I only threw one legit tantrum over a barney tote before you judge me dude accessories!) Anyways, she said I had a really bad seizure and it was raining really hard that day. All I remember of my childhood is passing out and coming in and out of consciousness, and waking up in a hospital with oxygen being forced down my throat. Its not the worse childhood, its not the best childhood, but it was my childhood, so I really don't see anything wrong with it. :] However my mum said that I was playing peacefully with my toys (I was four by the way) and that all of a sudden I went limp (I don't remember any of it to be honest) and that I turned blue (knowing me I would of thought it was cool that I was becoming an alien.) She said at first she rolled her eyes and told me to stop then she started yelling at me and at this point I was unconscious. When she finally did decide that maybe something was happening to me and decided to check up on me she said that I had stopped breathing. She said she became really scared and threw my blanket over me (so dexter) and carried me through the rain for two blocks running to the hospital. She said by the third block under all of the rain she was convinced I was dead. She said that it was weird that even though she felt like I was dead something compelled her to move forward and continue to take me to the hospital. Then by some weird coincidence she said that one of her friends passed by on their truck and saw my mum with me and they stopped and she said she didn't know how but she somehow communicated that she thought that I was dead because I had stopped breathing. So her friend rushed her to the hospital. Turns out I wasn't dead. (Obviously.) I had had a combination of a seizure with temporary paralysis. Although I was declared dead for two or three minutes then I had a reaction again and came back.
I like telling this story I find it romantic (I am a very morbid person.) My mum hates it every time I bring it up.
That was life one.

The second time I used a life out of my cat-life-o-meter I was six. My aunts had just come over from the suburbs with my (at the time) baby cousins I was really excited. My mum decided to go grocery shopping so we could all make dinner together. My aunts bought me a chocolate at the store and for me it was like getting drugs. I went crazy I needed chocolate, but my mum thought it had some stupid chemical that would cause me to have a seizure. Unfortunately she was kind of right I fainted again. I woke up to my mum screaming at me again. My poor mother she's probably been there for all the times I used my cat life meter.

Finally the third time I was ten years old. My mum had just taken my brother and I out to a mall that was close by my house. My brother was five at the time, so my mum had to hold on to him, because he had the tendency to run around everywhere. We were still in the parking lot and in order to get to the mall there was a narrow street that connected us from the parking lot to the mall. I was getting ready to cross the street and since I was a child I had the unfortunate reasoning to never look on both sides of the streets and to just cross if I made it to the other side of the street I would consider it lucky. That day was no different from the rest I just remember that I heard the car coming and I don't know why I stopped myself from crossing the street I stopped myself from leaning forward and it was kind of miraculous because I was wearing these hideous brown sandals that had no support so it was hard to balance myself. I just turned around to look at my mum who was squeezing my brother and she was white (which is weird because my mum is brown.) Apparently my mum said that she saw the car run me over and she wanted to move but she said that she couldn't move like something had glued her to the ground, and my brother was also pretty scared. The driver of the car was a teenager who had just gotten his license and he didn't stop at the stop sign where I was going to cross the street. The teenage boy got out of his car and since I was scared I started talking a lot. My mum collapsed and just kind of went into shock and the teenage boy came over to my mum and apologized and explained to her that he was distracted and he kept apologizing to her. At the time I didn't understand why now that I am older I do, but I was really scared and this was the first near death experience that I had that I was scared. When I was younger and I was scared I would start to ramble about anything. While the teenage boy was still apologizing to my mum I started talking to her about toes. (I was a weird child.)I told her how my toes stopped me and after a while my mum got out of shock and calmed down now panicked teenage boy. A police officer later did show up and my mum and panicked teenage boy had to explain what happened. Nothing happened I mean everyone left alive. I talked about toes for a week.
I don't like talking too much about this instance and my mum doesn't either she brings it up from time to time, but I really don't like talking about it.
That was the third life I used in my cat life meter.

Well this was a bit morbid, and I didn't expect it to be so morbid.