Sunday, May 17, 2015

Monday, May 4, 2015


My father once said the greatest thing that no one ever dared to say: “There are three things you will never come to an understanding or an agreement on with another person; first soccer, next politics, and finally religion, so don’t bother to sway people your way on these subjects because the conversation of why your team is clearly better than theirs will never end.” 「ーMy Father.」


Thursday, April 30, 2015

Cyborg Ant

Lately I have been stuck writing papers for my sociology class, and I feel like I'm failing the game of life somehow. I'm the problem, and I wonder how I go about resolving that because it seems like I am the majority of the problem, and holy cow an insect I've never seen before just came out of my laptop and onto my keyboard I got it off, but because I didn't know what species it was I killed it. It was a hybrid of an ant but a much bigger ant and it was green it looked like a cyborg ant to me. That completely threw me off of my funkf

-Went on a hunting spree for cyborg ant-



Every story deals with a moment in time for someone. The moment in time where you were a different person. The moment where you gained something, or the moment when you lost something. The person reading or seeing the story sees it much differently than the person who is the protagonist of the story. Maybe its because I'm a romantic, but does anyone else wonder what else happened before the story starts or after the story took place, and I've always wondered why no one seems to answer the questions or why we are only left with hints of what happened or what is going to happen later on. I'm not too sure why I can only wonder why no one else has asked these questions.

Saturday, April 11, 2015


I wonder what its like to have support from someone that isn't manipulative. Today I was once again told by "it" that mental illness does not exist and that I am pretending. The truth is now I don't even want to acknowledge "it" as a human being anymore if I stop acknowledging "it" it might leave me alone once and for all. I'm slowly getting better, but I have a long way to go. The other day "it" was driving the car and I came to the realization that I don't have feelings for "it," I have feelings of anger against "it" but I think its time for me to let those feelings go. 

"It" used to tell me a story when I was younger about how in life people are carrying oranges and those oranges are all of your worries, problems, and burdens, and after a while down the road you realize that the weight of the oranges in your orange sack is crushing you, and here is where you reach a fork in the road. Either you empty out your orange sack or you keep carrying them and keep being crushed by them. I always wondered why people would carry these sacks full of oranges it seemed silly to me that people would hang on to them, but what I didn't realize is that "it" became my sack of oranges, and I didn't know that I was carrying the sack of oranges and being crushed by it until someone confronted me about the situation. Unfortunately for me "it" is getting to an age where "it" can no longer be reasoned with if before we had a chance to reason with "it" and I didn't get through there's little to no chance of me fixing what ever it is that "it" and I are. 

Anyways, as I was in the car I realized that I am also at an age where I can't hope anymore to fix what ever "it" and I are. It's like the five stages of grieving:

1.) Denial and Isolation

-Confronted with the problem of "it" and I
-Deciding to prove everyone wrong, but at the same time realizing that it was true.

2.) Anger

-Being angry when I realized that it was true 
-Always blaming myself for the relationship with "it" never working.

3.)  Bargaining

-Attempting to understand "it"
-Attempting to be less of a problem for "it"
-Always thinking of what "it" wants
-Attempting to talk to "it"
-Attempting to do a lot for "it"

4.) Depression

-(Step I was at this last few weeks)
-Realizing that I will never have the relationship that I was meant to have with "it"
-Realizing that I was not right

5.) Acceptance

-(Transitioning into this phase)
-[As I am writing this I am figuring out that I am working towards this step]
-Accepting that "it" and I will never have any sort of relation with each other
-Moving on while knowing that I tried to savage whatever it was we had.
-Letting it go this time for real.
-Accepting that I was not meant to have this and understanding that it just wasn't meant to happen.
-Letting it go because I realize that it's something I can't do and it's okay because it wasn't meant for me.

I am realizing that I have a lot of internal work to do with myself in order to reach the acceptance stage, and I also realize that I have to work really hard on myself and stop paying attention to external sources.

Thank you all.

I got the five stages of grief from this website:


Thursday, April 9, 2015

Faraway Lands

I think too much. All of these thoughts flood my head when I lay myself to attempt to sleep and I don't know why I think things too deeply. I write and I write and hope that someday I will empty myself out and I'll feel something different, but I write and I write and it seems like the more I write the more layers of myself I peel and different problems arise and I find out new things and I feel this pressure on my head that is killing me. I read somewhere that you would never see a poet in a bright yellow jacket, and red boots, and while this is true it is also true that you will never find what you are looking for if you are looking for something. I would say I had something to blame why I am who I am, but the truth is I was born this way. I was born twisted and questioning everything, and I never got the answers I required and now that I've reassigned myself from everything I was doing and hope to get some sort of people of mind I somehow can't.

I don't like talking to people, or mingling, or having acquaintances because I just find them to be a big headache that I don't want to deal with, but at the same time I find myself desperate for company, and none of it makes sense. I sleep but I don't really sleep because my thoughts are becoming too much for me. I get extremely busy in order to avoid thinking because I think that will stop me from thinking and I get the urges much worse. I try to do nothing and it seems to stabilize me a little bit, maybe I should try to break from my routine and run away to a faraway land for a while and rediscover myself.



For some reason I have a lot to say but somehow find myself at a loss for words. I write and I feel like I have a lot to say but then I find myself saying too much or then I find myself holding back. Like this morning for example I found the "it" yelling at me for something but I blocked it out, so I really can't say what "it" was going on about, but I think that parents don't want their children to be happy, because parents feel that they need their children to depend on them and if their child is happy somehow they feel jealous of that happiness because they are not happy necessarily because of them if any of this makes sense. I found myself somehow feeling sorry for "it", but then I found myself feeling happier than what I had felt a few months ago when I was extremely busy and was ready to off myself because the situation was unbearable.

Last night I wrote this: I guess I'm happy. I'll run away. I'll save it all for another day. I think I might disappear from all of the lives that I am involved with, and I'll leave a gap of time blank in order to understand what I need to do. I'm actually feeling much more real when I speak about what I feel as opposed to before where I would talk about all of these other things that I no longer feel are relevant.

I then concluded that I need a very long vacation from all of the bullshit  [excuse me] I have to deal with on a daily basis and the people I deal with on a daily basis. Last week I started to analyze the people that I talk to or somehow know, and I realize that while I am all sorts of messed up a lot of the influences for my negative connotations are influenced from outside sources. I would like to say that I am easily aggravated by people's crap, but if you knew the people I have to deal with on a daily basis and how negative and selfish they can be you would agree that I need to skip town for a while.

I need to breathe in new air from a new country even if there is nothing to do. I need to see a different scenery. Maybe I am also driving myself insane from seeing the same thing over and over again and not having a break from seeing the same thing. Someday I will remember all of this and be past it I hope.