Friday, July 3, 2015

Space Travel

I've been dealing with a lot recently, but I feel so tired, and its not like a tired that I am used to where I just don't have a reason to wake up for. This sounds bizarre but I am tired of pretending I have a reason to wake up, so I don't wake up. The other day I visited this city, and I felt like there was so much potential for me there. Then I found a reason to wake up. Unfortunately I wasn't there that long, and when I came back to where I am staying I had a fever, and spent my week binge watching House. But I've been so tired physically, and mentally tired, and I'm trying to understand why but I don't and none of this paragraph makes sense. I'm going out of town again tomorrow, and I'm indifferent about it. At first I thought it was because there was a remote possibility that I was homesick, but I realize now that I'm not homesick at all. I don't miss where I live at all, and there are really no reasons for me to return. Maybe I was right all along, and I've outgrown where I live. -Fatima

Thursday, June 25, 2015


I apologize for not updating just had a family member pass away this Sunday we're dealing with funeral and such. Will be back when it's done. -Fatima

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Friday, June 19, 2015


It's been raining the past two weeks, and not the light drizzle that just passes by. It has been pouring with a force that can't be reckoned with. Oddly enough the rain is satisfying me I wake up to the rain, and I sleep to the sound of the rain hitting the window. I have been confused for a while now. Something happened that I'm not at too much liberty to say, but it was something that I never thought would happen, but at the same time I have an uneasy feeling about it all, and after asking five online fortune tellers, that have given me good answers in the past, and a magic eight ball I was sure that something was not right in all of it, and it has all given me a huge headache to be completely honest. I'm not really built to take on so much, and as many of my friends have said I; "open myself completely to drama," or "It's like you look for the drama in the little things in your life when it's not as exaggerate or dramatic as you make it seem." It must be true if multiple people said it, but at the same time if I exaggerate something it's because I feel that it is that intense, or big of a situation. I do not actively look for drama it just tends to find me and I tend to not know how to react to it so the situation misleads into it looking like I welcomed it when in reality I didn't know how to react to it.

I make a terrible person. There should be a handbook on how to deal with everything, and how to go about things. Life would be a lot more structured that way. When I talk to someone different and I tell them about my life and stuff that goes on in it they react like what I am doing is completely wrong or I've been living a lie or something. I don't think people realize that everyone is different. Do not get me wrong it's always implied that everyone's lives are different however it is not an applied technique that people use. Which is why I say there should be a handbook about these things kind of like when parents or people generally say; "Well I don't know its not like you came with instructions," either as an excuse to get out of a fight with you, or to justify a mistake, or to justify simply not knowing. Why don't we come with a generalized handbook on how to deal with different situations. Such as in my case there would be a section called: "How to deal with being to dramatic and to conform to social constructions referred to as 'norms'." [Insert serious emoji.] Or maybe there should be one on; "how to build constructive relations known as 'friends' and how to maintain them." I hope you all are feeling the passive aggressive in me in this last paragraph. People find things you are confident in and try to bring you down. If I enjoy telling a tale of something that happened to me in a dramatic fashion, with exaggerate details that's how I feel and I am not going to become the social construct of normal in order to satisfy others perception of me. Can you imagine how boring I would be without everything that makes me me? I might be a fool who believes that mermaids exist, and I might be a fool who has been talking exclusively to a stuffed alpacca the last two weeks, but I am satisfied with who I am. I don't feel ashamed that I am a dramatic person in my reactions, or that I am expressive in the way I say things, and I am not going to justify that I enjoy who I am because of some dark passive childhood thing that happened to me. Yes I grew up in an emotionally abusive place, and yes I am passive aggressive, and yes I have a need to express myself in an exaggerate manner, but I am honest about everything really except when I'm scared shitless of something and even then you can tell that I am lying because I am a terrible liar. If there is a handbook on how I should think and act to fit social constructions of norms then count me out of that mindset, and let me go live in the woods somewhere where I don't have to follow these things.

I'm actually very serious about the Alpacca thing I have been speaking to the alpacca for two weeks now, because I'm quite bored where I am, and the majority of the time my computer is dead for some unknown reason, or I am about to get an anxiety attack and since the alpacca can't call me crazy I like talking to it mainly because it will never talk back to me (I hope.) It's nice to have someone listen who doesn't have ulterior evil motives to fit it's evil little alpacca plan to take over the world or something. Really don't mind me I am just losing it.


Monday, June 8, 2015

Falling Out

Its been a couple of months since I've started noticing that I wasn't in love with anyone or anything anymore, and it wasn't a false alarm where I thought I was over it, but really wasn't. I don't know when I lost myself trying to find myself. I think I clung on to who I used to be because it scared me that that person was all I knew, and I feared accepting the present, and the future. I know that I talk about it a lot how over it I was but I wasn't I was so ready to move on quickly and forget it all that I forgot to have an intermission for myself. I felt like I was mourning the loss of who I used to be and I would not accept those feelings.
In the past few years I have done absolutely nothing. I say I'm doing something, but really I've kept busy to not deal with the fact that I'm not dealing with the real problem. I would meet person after person thinking that somehow I would find the cure to whatever was wrong with me. I would spend a lot of time by myself choosing to be alone over having company in order to deal with myself. I would cling on to past loves in order to blame it on something. Some days I found myself blaming myself. Other days I would blame everyone around me. I would project my flaws onto other people because I wanted them to be flawed as well. Then I met someone who was very similar to me, and who had no ties to the people I used to know and that was rare because I somehow would find myself running in similar circles to them. At around the time when I met her I finally had had enough of everything, everyone, and myself I had enough of myself.
When I met person B I was tired of pretending something wasn't wrong with me. I was tired of accepting other people as people I knew. I was tired of pretending I was doing something. I was so tired of being a person, and living. I had pretended to be what everyone wanted me to be for so long I was tired of being angry because I never set any limits. I hate confrontation because I grew up with person X and person X was a very confrontational person, and after a while I think I figured out that people who are confrontational just want attention, and it just angers them much more if you ignore them, and pretend they didn't say what they said. For some reason when people overstep my limits I feel like they are getting confrontational with me and I don't know what to do. Unlike me Person B sets limits and boundaries with people and I think I admire that about them.  Person B also has things they need to work on that I catch because I already have those qualities, and Person B has qualities and attitudes that I need to grow.
Its actually ironic that I met person B. Person B was or should I say is very persistent to be my friend, not someone I know casually, not an acquaintance, they are determined to be my friend. Person B goes out of their way to correct me no matter how many times I pessimistically bring up that our paths crossing is not going to be "forever," and that's another thing no matter how many time I explain to Person B that the social construct of "forever" is not an actually thing its just a social construct that holds no meaning, and is therefore useless, and therefore there is no such thing as "forever," they still say "forever." I don't know how person B is so optimistic about the future when I'm just amazed I'm still not dead.
I don't know why person B sticks with me I am the worst kind of person there is. I am by far one of the worst people you can have to call friend. I care more for the other person, than I ever do for myself. When I have a problem I feel like a problem if I tell someone else about it, so therefore I don't tell anyone. Then I get mad because people didn't magically ask me "what's wrong?" or if they did they didn't persist, and I persist that I am fine when I am clearly not, and I don't know why Person B wants to stick with me. I always thought of myself as a person that is briefly in people's lives when people need someone to give them guidance, and bring out the best in them again, but when it all went down in flames for me I had no one like that. Its ironic I needed myself to bring the best in me. I stuck with people who were overly selfish, because I had no idea how to be selfish enough to protect myself and my feeling because in the end all I am left with is memories I don't want and that I have worked really hard to oppress. Songs I can't listen to because they remind me of someone else, or a memory I don't want to remember. Unfortunately I have oppressed everything and all I have left is the aftermath of what happened in the past five years.
The beginning of this year a lot of stuff that really should of happened earlier happened and while at that time it felt like that was the lowest point I could be at things got a lot better afterward. Its like that saying goes: "if you're already sinking down sink all the way to the bottom, so when you climb out you climb out a stronger person," or like that other saying: "Things fall apart so better things can take their place." After being in an abusive environment for so long when you are told that you don't have to be in it and you stop being in an abusive environment you have the (what I like to call the) "*WTF moment."

*Definition of  WTF Moment: A point in your life where you want to fall back onto old patterns because you don't really know how to proceed from here. In a way you are in limbo and you have to ask yourself; How did I get to this point? Wait What? But this was normal to me? No not me... Are you sure? HOW?

During the WTF moment phase of it I was questioning how I let it all happen. (After the denial.) Reconstructing myself has been a different matter entirely, because I'm no longer who I used to be even before all of that. Person B has been a big part of it. (Just to clarify person B isn't my lover nor will we ever see each other that way trust me.)  I'm glad that Person B has been persistent on being there for me, and in a way forcing their friendship onto me. It's kind of like in Kamikaze girls where I would be the Lolita already used to being by myself and person B would be the Biker gang girl forcing her friendship on to the Lolita. Which now that I think about it really makes this funnier, because now that I compare Person B she really is like the Biker gang girl, and she would headbutt me just to get her point across, and considering that Person B has nicknamed me the Aristocrat because according to person B I dress too much like an Aristocrat for my own good, it really makes this entire thing funnier, because this entire time I have been looking at what's happening to me and not realizing it. I am now going to compile a list of stuff that has happened to me since meeting person B.

List of Stuff that has happened since meeting person B

-Person B and I get into a car crash, and were okay, but my car wasn't.
-I had a brief head concussion to the car crash I lost a bit of time.
-Got almost fired, so I quit my ex-job.
-I broke up with someone (acquaintance) who I knew didn't give a shit about me, but I wanted to appear normal so I  stuck with this person to appear normal.
-I had an obsessive jealous guy fall in love with me even though all I did was offer the dude the  empty chair next to me because I saw the room was full and I know I'm a pretty intimidating person  and have chronic resting bitch face. This dude almost hit one of the people I knew because she  pointed out to him that he had no possession of me and shouldn't be speaking to me like I was an  object or as part of his property.
-I actually liked someone and I actually tried. I failed but I tried this time.
-One of my exes tried to reenter my life and I felt nothing about it. Which shocked me.
-I had another dude try to kill me because I was very honest to him when he confessed about having    feelings for me and let me tell you how fucking nice I was to the guy and when I told him that I          didn't find it fair to him, but that I don't have feelings for him, or anyone at this time, and at first he    was really cool about it, and I was so impressed with how well he took it. Then the next time I saw      him he became really aggressive with me and I shit you not he wanted to kill me. (I'm safe now I  dealt with it. I threatened him back and told him to stay away from me.)

List of how Person B reacted to above list

-After the impact Person B started arguing with me about suing other person, and that's how I knew  they were okay.
-After the accident Person B told me what happened and what I did with a lot of patience.
-Person B told me they treated me like shit anyway.
-After listening to me about the acquaintance advised me that it would be best to break away from  them since all that the acquaintance seem to achieve is to piss me off.
-Told me to stab the dude at first but then she told me to straight up tell the dude to fuck off.
-Told me to try and get closer and gave me really helpful advise as to what to do with person I liked.
 Person B would even go with me to see the person I liked, and when I figured that I was failing  person B consoled me.
-When I was hysterical about not being hysterical about ex. Told me it was because I was a different  person and my ex was starting to see what they had lost and regretted it.
-Person B told me to warn the dude that Person B was going to (and I quote) "chop his balls off and  feed them to sharks in the atlantic ocean." Then told me I was too pretty for my own good, and that  caused problems. Which gave me the balls to threatened the guy.

It almost sound now that I am writing this too fake to be true, but I have the scars (Literally not figuratively) to prove each and everyone of these incidents.


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Obscure movies I recommend (Japan focus)

Lately I have been watching a lot of movies I normally wouldn't, and I think that they are beautifully executed and made.

Helter Skelter ヘルタースケルター「2012」
Director: Mika Ninagawa

Image from google

This movie originally caught my attention because I had seen a lot of shorts of it on tumblr, but when I watched it it was very physicological, and it had a lot of depth to it. Originally it was a five volume manga 「That I also read,」and the story line was almost identical to the manga.
The story line consists around a model named Lilico 「ルルこ」 who is a top model after getting plastic surgery from head to toe, but thats a secret. However after a while the clinic where Lilico got her plastic surgery starts to undergo a police investigation, because the police start to find a string of murders where all of the murder victims went to get plastic surgery at that clinic, and the police start to look into the clinic. At the same time that this is going on Lilico's rising popularity with the fans, and her popularity as a model sky rockets, and  she enjoys the attention of the media, and fans. As the story continues Lilico starts unraveling starting with her plastic surgery. Lilico starts to develop these bruises, and when she goes back to the clinic for treatment she starts to sense that something is wrong, because a lot of clients start to show up in a panic at the clinic with the same bruises like Lilico. At first Lilico is startled but as the story unravels the bruises start to take a toll on her mental health, making her doubt the people that she is surrounded by.

I thought the execution of the movie was wonderful. I loved the color palette it was set to. I loved the story line. I love how the actors put in a lot of depth into their characters. The characters in this film where very complex and it was apparent that the actors worked hard to build that depth. Also the transitions between the scenes were flawlessly made. Overall I felt very satisfied at the ending as well as the story. I just felt sorry that there wasn't more, because it was that well made.

If Helter Skelter left you empty and feeling like you'll never see another movie as good as that don't worry I've got you covered.

The World of Kanako 「2014」
Director: Tetsuya Nakashima

Image from Tumblr

This movie's storyline is very twisted and that's what I found intresting about this movie. There's never really a straight forward answer in this movie about the overall question that the storyline makes you ask yourself it's always implied what happened, but you do not get a definative answer.

The storyline for this movie is that Kanako is the daughter of divorcee, alcoholic detective Akikazu, and she's been missing for three to four days when his ex wife calls him asking for his help to find her. So he starts to look for Kanako, but given his alcoholic nature he hasn't seen Kanako in some time it is implied that he cares about her, but does not know how to care for his child. Kanako's mother is concerned more in herself than she is in her daughter, and the only reason she is really looking for Kanako, and ver briefly might I add, is because she thinks her ex husband Akikazu kidnapped her. However as the story starts Akikazu has an idea of his daughter being a pure good kid who got caught up in a bad crowd, because of their parental neglect however it very quickly becomes doubtful if Kanako really was a good kid to begin with. As the story continues we find that Kanako developed ties with the Yakuza, and is in deep trouble with everyone. It is discovered that she was running a trafficking ring. However it is always questioned just how evil she really is. Does Akikazu find her? You are just going to have to watch to find out.

The storyline was intresting. I found it intresting to see how all of people really tied in to Kanako, as well as how Akikazu her father started to change as he discovered all of the layers of Kanako. As far as the acting goes I was very convinced by the acting however I was not fully blown away by it. There were a lot of minor characters that I thought were very well executed, as well as Akikazu it was very well executed, and also I really liked how all of the characters changed as different things were being revealed to them. However I was not convinced by the actress who played Kanako, and I'm not sure if it was the director's choice to have her be so bland, or it was the actress, however her performance was very bland she could of done certain things differently or simpler and it would of gotten the point across much better. The actual film was very well made as well I felt that the scenery changes as well as the palette were very well done. There were some scenes that needed just a little bit more light because it was hard to see what was going on but other than that I really enjoyed the movie.

Kamikaze Girls 「2004」
Director: Tetsuya Nakashima

Image found on google

I love this movie so much I feel that it should be kept in a treasure box. Now for you crazy kids yes Anna Tsuchiya is in here! 「Anna Tsuchiya = Rocker Nana from Manga Nana (you know that manga that messed up the majority of the world and made you want to die or was it just me?)」

The storyline of this movie is seriously funny. Its not like ridiculous hilarious its serious, but funny at the same time. It is the unlikely story of how a lolita Momoko accepts the friendship of a girl who is in a biker gang Ichigo, and how they both go through obstacles and experience each others world through their friendship. Its mainly the Lolita Momoko telling the story of her life and how her biker friend Ichigo comes to forcefully integrate herself into Momoko's life. It starts with Momoko who comes off as self absorbed telling her life and her love for "anything rococo," and how the brand Baby the Stars Shine Bright shaped her life and how she had to be an adult because her parents were not the brightest parents, and after her mom leaves her "idiot" dad for the doctor who helped her mom give birth to her she learned to parent herself and was taught by the world to be self absorbed and selfish to get herself forward. In order to keep up with her desires to buy dresses form Baby the Stars Shine Bright she sells her fathers old knockoff designer goods, and that's when Ichigo appears into Momoko's life. However Ichigo went to Momoko to but knock off designer goods and then she started showing up at Momoko's house after that to forcefully become Momoko's friend.

Everything is perfect about this movie. This movie changed Lolita culture entirely by the way. It's just perfect the acting is well done (I mean come on now Anna Tsuchiya messed us up in Nana there's no need to expect less. Although Nana came after this so yes it only gets better.)

Memories of Matsuko 「2006」
Director: Tetsuya Nakashima

Image from Google

Sticking with my twisted storyline theme I've got going here Memories of Matsuko in some ways reminded me of Hitsudan Hostess with Keiko Kitagawa but it is very different. The story seem very whimsical. The themes discussed in the story were hard themes  and the questions asked throughout the story were challenging and hard themes however the entire time I felt like I was a child being told the story and I enjoyed feeling and getting lost in the illusion of the story. 

Memories of Matsuko is about a woman whose entire life was (for lack of a better word) screwed over by the people that she loved or tried to love, because she was always in some sort of abusive relationship, and a lot of it tied back to her father not paying too much attention to her. Then she was disowned by her family. The entire story was told by the people who knew her to her nephew, because she had been found murdered four days before. The nephew having just found out about his disowned aunt is sent to her former apartment where he starts to clean it out her apartment, and as he is cleaning it out the people who were involved in his aunt's life start to show up and tell him bits and pieces of how they were involved with his aunt, and slowly it starts to come together until it is resolved who killed his aunt. As the storyline goes the nephew starts to appreciate and learn about his disowned aunt.

The story is told like in a theater there are various acts to the movie and it is told from various perspectives it isn't until the absolute very end that it is told from the aunt's perspective and it starts to come together. Overall the acting is great.  The character built is very well done, and this director makes excellent choices with how to move the story along I feel like he tried to infuse opera and theater together and he got this wonderful storyline as well as movie choices. Basically I really dig this director.

That is all for now.

Sunday, May 17, 2015