Saturday, March 28, 2015

Another World

Last night I as I wrote my last entry I came to realize that maybe its a good thing that I am having help for what I feel or see and it made me realize that maybe I shouldn't see my birthday that way. I realize I am quite dramatic, but as I was writing what I wrote last night there were some things that even I didn't realize that I felt. I think I should change those habits and sort out the feeling of feeling trapped. Maybe it is time for me to move to another city, another state where everyone I currently know can't get to me as easily all the time. I was jokingly saying I should move to another planet when "Another World" by Capsule started playing, and I was talking to my godmother today about everything in my life and how I felt about everything and once again without fail I started crying again. I don't know why I keep crying, and it absolutely annoys me to feel so much, and she said that she had talked about me to my godfather and had said that maybe its time I move on and build my own life elsewhere in a faraway land where no one knows me or knows of me so I can start to stop feeling trapped and feeling too much responsibility. She says that yes its easy for my parents to live with me and for me to feel this trapped because they don't have to worry about me but in a lot of ways they have influenced me feeling so trapped. She said that they gave me way too much responsibility and since I didn't feel like fighting with them that its crushing my spirit and what ever else is left of me and the person that I am. I think she's right. I think I need to leave everything and everyone behind and finally become who I want to be instead of crushing my own spirit in order to accommodate others and not hold others accountable for the responsibilities and jobs that they are supposed to do but don't. Like my mother for an example she always had me mother the kids. I feel like the kids' mother even though I am not. She had her fun she made her mistakes and I am not the one to be held accountable for something she did. I always felt accountable for my brother because I felt that since I asked for him I had to take care of him. I felt like he was one of my things and I should take care of my things, so I mum-med him. I overprotected him, because I felt that I had to protect him that it fell on my shoulders to protect him, and I am now coming to realize that he is not my responsibility I am my own responsibility but he isn't mine. I don't know how to feel because I know that my mother will manipulate me into thinking that he is my responsibility and he isn't. My godmother also brought this up that my mother is very manipulative of me and hands all of her responsibility to me and I'm already trying to keep myself together and she keeps nit picking and flat out insulting me being very well conscious of what she is doing. Now, I realize that a lot of people tell me to move out and just live on my own, and yes that would be great if I didn't think of instead saving that money and investing it in myself and going to school because I want to go to school and I want a career so I can go far away from here, and another thing I would like to mention I don't sleep, I rarely eat, I keep working because I honestly do not think I'm human some days I think that I am a fixture or some sort of ghost hovering around the world and I forget basic human things because I am too much in my head. I don't want a job that is going to pay me like shit work me like there is no end and treat me like shit. I want a job that works me like there is no end but pays me like there is no end, and I think having a career can provide me with that. A lot of people take my mothers side because they aren't aware of how manipulative and emotionally abusive she is, and when I try to tell people about this they take her side and say that I am just spoiled, and for fucks sake I work for everything I have why can't people be jealous of "oh hey she's hardworking I wish I was like that," no its always "ugh she has everything and her parents give her everything," and let me tell you that I have starved at times in my childhood because my mother is so selfish and stingy that she wouldn't give me dollar to at least eat, but of course people will believe what they want, and what annoys me the most is that she manipulates people every which way and she is so fake and people buy into this stuff. My mother stopped aging when she had me and to make matters worse she acts exactly like a sixteen year old girl even though now she's well into her fifties now and she is arguing with me like she's sixteen and I am her parent. Its confusing and I don't know why at this point after 24 years I expect any better from her, and as I am telling my godmother all of this it all starts to make sense to her, and God bless her but she says that I should try going to universities far away from here so that I can get rid of everything I am not here, and so I can live my own lifestyle. I apologize for any one that actually reads this blog although at this point I highly doubt it I just feel like I have to write about it so I can make some sort of sense of it all.
-Fatima

Ghost

I keep getting asked what I want for my upcoming birthday by loved ones, and the more I think about it the more I think that what I want is not what I am going to get. Contraire to my efforts to make everyone I know remember my birthday I grown to absolutely hate my birthday even against my best efforts to make more people remember my birthday and celebrate it with me because I don't want to feel alone, and my birthday is the one day of the year I don't want to feel alone. The more I get asked what I want for my birthday and I know that people mean well in wanting to give me something the more I think about what I really want for myself. I got asked again today what I wanted for my birthday again today and as I am writing this I realize that I don't want to feel alone on my birthday I go to Olive Garden and have lasagna and a piece of cake for the past five years and as I am doing this I wonder what I did wrong this year for me to be here again this year, and I have been of the philosophy that if I can't have good company then I don't want anyone, and yet at the same time I don't want to feel alone so I grab the nearest person next to me in order to feel alone again this year. I would say I want a meaningful hug one that the other person squeezes you because they actually love you and are hugging you for the last time every time, but as I am writing this I realize that I slowly but surely have grown to stop loving people. I have grown to detest every person who tries to be my friend because my parents hate them or because I hate them because I was taught that if someone tries to love you to find a flaw then exaggerate the flaw to the point where you hate them. When someone tries to be my friend I find their flaw over exaggerate it then learn to hate them and stop talking to them suddenly and disappear like a ghost. Until this day my longstanding nickname is ghost because I disappear suddenly then become a myth that people wonder if I ever happened. Someday I will pull off the ultimate disappearance and disappear from everyone whose lives I am involved in now and I imagine I won't be held down by my beliefs that I have now because of the people that I am involved with and I will be able to have ties with people without needing to exaggerate and play a role that I was assigned, and this also explains why I am a great actor because I constantly have to pretend to be whatever it is I am supposed to play in this role. I do know who I am but at the same time I will not get to be that person for a very long time, so I do what I do best I numb the pain to the point where I no longer feel it. I guess I will accept that I was born to be this depressed and this sad. I will accept that and I will feel it and I will carry on. Whatever doesn't break you really makes you wish it did just so that you wouldn't have to keep doing so. I forgot to mention in December I got into a car accident so yet another of my cat lives was used, but I remember that the impact gave me euphoria not because I could of died and I felt grateful for living, but because I was so close that I could taste my release from it all. The person I was with swore they saw their life flash before them, but I didn't I just felt my release from everything, and maybe as many people have suggested I am running away from feeling anything, or from living, and I am. What is the point of going forward when its the same thing, and when you try to change that because it might help out it becomes a new routine and in a few months you have the same problem, or because you have higher powers who restrict what you do and do not do. Why should I try anymore? Every birthday that passes no matter how much I try to optimistically look at it is another year that I have failed at being stable. It's another year mounted on to me that I don't have to look forward to when I know that in a year I will be thinking the same thing again the next year so what is the point to it?

-Fatima

Friday, March 27, 2015

Water

My life is a mess. I thought that that by this age I would be stable but I seem to always be a mess and maybe that’s my way of being normal. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I actually was sane? My parents asked me if I was falling into the wrong patterns again the other day as far as addictions to things that are bad to be addicted to and while at one point in my life I did try those things I was never a fan of doing those things, and I’m not saying that its bad for other people to do them because after all that is their life, but what I am saying is that that lifestyle isn’t for me.

I haven’t been sleeping and I think that it’s sometimes very inconvenient that there aren’t two types of day in the day. The day for the people of the night like myself and the day for the other group that interacts during the day. It makes sense to have that and I just wonder why no one else has thought of that. I forgot to mention that I quit my job in January. I quit my job because of personal reasons and I felt that it was time to leave and I think that that has been the best decision I have made in my life. I have been working since I was at least ten, because I have a problem with authority and the authority giving me money and in this case the authority would be my parents, so as a kid I always had menial jobs such as; cleaning people’s cars, fixing people’s cars because my hand was small enough to fit into the part of the car where their hand couldn’t. My best job though was helping the truck drivers with their engines or cleaning their windshield, and since my dad is a truck driver he would promote my business to his friends who would promote to their other friends and they would pay me much better than what I asked for, because I would only ask for five dollars for a task but because they knew that I was saving up for a toy or something they would chip in a little more because they thought I was a really hard working kid for a kid my age. I always had a business or a mediocre part time job [I had a lot of jobs that wouldn’t pay minimum wage or report their taxes for that matter, but a couple of months later would disappear off of the face of the earth.] I like working and I like things and I like getting things, and its enjoyable, but I did miss out on a lot because I was always working and going to school long before I was in college. By the time I reached my last job I did not realize how worn out I was by the whole thing and it took a while but I finally discovered that I needed a break from always thinking that I had to be more responsible than what I really had to be. At one point in my life as a child I wanted to run away and I remember always discouraging myself because I would tell myself that my savings wouldn’t last very long, and that I would have to constantly worry about where I would be able to leave my stuff without people stealing it. Instead of running away I would read books and I would get lost in the worlds that were constructed in front of me. I suppose that’s why I’ve never needed human interaction because I was always filled with a space or a substitute for human interaction. Now that I analyze my life’s experiences I realize that it’s no wonder that I don’t feel a need for someone else in my life. I think I would be all right if I ended up by myself. I would be like a vampire out of Anne Rice’s novels, and that’s the tragedy with her vampires is that they are beautiful because they are set up to fail even before they make any choice. It’s so tragic that it’s beautiful. That’s why vampires like Lestat who also has his story but he adapts and keeps moving forward. Lestat is like water always fluid, and always adaptable to the surrounding conditions, but can still break rocks and wood throughout time. I have to learn to be like water; fluid, adaptable, and break rocks throughout time.

-Fatima

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Used too

I can't handle but feel that in another life we would of been perfect for each other. Maybe in another time or another place or another planet we would of been perfect, but things are different I am not who I used to be six or seven years ago hell I'm not who I used to be a month ago and I'm okay with that. I'm learning to adapt to this transition. I know I speak a lot about how I have been in a transition phase and I never started to transition with my life until now. This is the end of a very important chapter and the beginning of something new. Its odd because I always seem to catch the ending of my chapters but never the beginning of my chapters in my life. I have a lot to look forward too. I also have a lot to work hard for and that's a good thing.

-Fatima

Expectations

Hello everyone.

First of all happy new year! May all the things you asked for this year happen to you. I've been busy doing nothing. I did get into a car accident the day after christmas and I've been having a hard time the past month of december however I am so glad that 2014 is done, because I had a terrible year. I feel like I have put my entire life on pause the past four years and I don't really know where I am going. Now that I've realized that I do have a right to voice out what I feel and say what I have to say I am confused and I realize that there are things that I am scared of saying and doing, because I haven't done them throughout my life.

I started seeing someone to help me out with my anxiety issues and so far we've gotten that my anxiety issues for the most part are traced back to my job, and I know I should look for something different, because at one point in my life I was very happy with what I did for a living, but lately I feel like I'm no longer content with what I do, and the more I have to go to my job the more anxiety I feel. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't do anything just knowing that I have to go to work the next day or in a few hours, but at the same time I'm anxious about not having an income and that stresses me out a lot.

I have an odd feeling though as of the end of last year I feel like things are going to change this year I feel like everything I ever wanted and have worked for is finally going to start rewarding me for my hard work.  I don't think that this is me being an optimist I feel like this is me being a realist.

-Fatima

Saturday, December 6, 2014

OOTD DECEMBER 6, 2014


So I finally got my purchases back from one of my family members and my tunic that I got at Little India was with those purchases. I was finally able to wear it today. It is ridiculously comfortable and I feel that it was one of the best things I've purchased this year. This was also the first time that I wore my Star Wars x Vans shoes out it was exciting. Today was the final rehearsal for Angel Street by Patrick Hamilton directed by me. I feel really comfortable about my actors and how we are going to do this showcase. At first I was really worried however now I'm not too concerned because I have professionals and I've done all I could do even though I wanted to do all of it I'm fine with just doing one scene.  Hopefully someday if my professor decides to do the entire play I will be chosen to be the co director with her.
Its final season and I'm almost done with all of my finals I just have to get through tuesday and the semester will be over for me. I hope it all goes well this is the first time in a really long time that I have some time off. I feel like I'm always so busy and its always a struggle to keep going, but knowing that I like doing a lot of stuff I enjoy makes it all better.
-Fatima

Monday, December 1, 2014

Things

I am crazy, and I'm okay with that. I laugh in the middle of the night because I just remembered something funny from days ago. I bought a bear because it smelled like strawberries and at night when I am having an anxiety attack I smell the strawberries and distract myself from my anxiety. I have a dumbo plushy and every time someone walks into my room I say: "Why because there's an elephant in the room?" Then I laugh hysterically at myself. There is air in my lungs and I can breathe (this means a lot to me.) I have this group of people who I want to consider my friends, and even if in a couple of years we all go our separate ways I enjoy their honesty. I don't have to worry about them saying anything behind my back because they will say it to my face even if its not pretty. My siblings understand me and enjoy making fun of my parents with me. My parents only encourage me to be myself even though they think I am completely crazy. Most days I look like I came out of an asylum and everyone I know is completely fine with that. I listen to good music. I have amazing company. The people who I interact with are usually left with a good impression of me and I hope that they have a good day after me, because the world is already hard enough. I haven't been depressed in a year or so, and if I have I can call someone to take me on a drive to McDonalds to get ice cream, and just have a good time with. When I'm tired I have people who tell me to go to sleep even though I have a million things to do, and they tell me to go to sleep that the million things will still be there when I wake up. I have food in my refrigerator,  and I don't have to go hungry. It's all of these little things that get me by and I don't write or talk about them enough, and I should I should be as happy as I am now writing all of the things I have instead of constantly thinking of all the things I don't.
-Fatima