Sunday, October 12, 2014

From the bottom of a staircase to the middle of the road.

I found my first love at the bottom of a staircase. This love was pure, and taken for granted. He was reckless, hurt, and I thought I could change him. When you first fall in love you don't have any limits. You don't hold yourself back you love the other person like a fool and you will always lose this love because it is your first one. My love didn't last long however the pain of this love always remained. One of the last conversations I had with this person was when him telling me:

"Hit me it will make you feel better," he said spreading his arms out in his camo jacket he moved his feet with his red converse shoes so that they lined up with his shoulders. He stood up straight waiting to take the hit. I stood there contemplating actually hitting him then it hit me. I looked at him and said:

"Won't it hurt more if I didn't," and I walked away. He followed me for a while screaming about me hitting him and all I could say was: "It hurts more if I don't." He was the most persistent of my exes. For years I would be the one who got away for him, and the ex girlfriend who would always be intertwined fates with him. The last conversation I had with him and this was the absolute last time I talked to him he told me he was going to have a kid and that he and I should get together and stay together because I knew that we were meant to be together. Many years had already passed since we dated and I said:  "Stop running away. Stop blaming others for your decisions. I warned you that this would happen for years and if you didn't listen to me you aren't going to listen to anyone. " I saw him a few times after that, but I no longer had the will to deal with him. They say love lasts exactly seven years, because it takes seven years for you to shed your old skin and your old thoughts you become a new person in seven years. My love for him withered and died on the bottom of that staircase.

My second love appeared out of thin air before I knew it he had come into my life and I had no idea how he got there. He was kind, gentle, and understanding, but most of all he was my friend and he understood that I didn't want anything else. He was my friend for a year before he said anything about having feelings deeper than friendship for me. Since my last love did not end well at all I had built a fortress around my feelings. I was scared. You spend most of your second love scared and always guarding your feelings before even considering the other person's feelings. When he told me that he had feelings for me I became angry. Mainly I was angry at myself for leading him on then I grew angry at him for not saying anything. He always waited for me and it felt like he waited for me the entire relationship, but it also felt like I was always solving his problems and after a while life happened. He was insecure, and I was much more insecure and our insecurities drove us apart. I never really got over this love, and I've accepted that I never really will get over this love because our love was so incomplete that it made us complete.

"I feel like since we've been together you've closed yourself to me, and before we were together you were always so open with me and everyone and now since we've been together you've locked yourself away from me and from everyone but mainly from me," he said.

"I can't open myself to you," I said. " I feel like you have so many problems and I am a burden," and you never listened.

I don't really know how my third love happened all I know is that your third love is like a car crash. He was just a guy who I knew and copied my chemistry homework, and then it became a whirlwind. This love was very ill fated and toxic because I couldn't get enough and it was short. Your third love is confusing because you have yourself to deal with and you've learned that you have to take into consideration the other person and balancing these things always causes great confusion. It was ill fated from the start everyone we knew was against the relationship and we went for it anyway. We broke up quickly yet we still acted like a couple, and I guess I should of known it would of ended badly but at the time I was starting to feel optimistic about life and didn't want to drag down my relationship with it.  Like all things it ended after dragging on for a year. It ended with him figuring me out.

"I guess this (character) really made a mark on you," he said.

"I don't want to talk about this (character)," I said.

"Why not?" he said.

"Because I don't," I said.

"Did he know of your fear of heights?"

"No," I said.

"I guess he really did break you. I thought I could fix you, but now I see what everyone said about you. You love him too much to let him go and that is why you will never be able to love anyone else." He said.

He left me standing in the middle of the road, and I never saw him again.


Sunday, October 5, 2014


Am I holding myself back? I was talking to someone today on the phone and they mentioned how I hold myself back, and this made me think about a lot of things I have done in life and then I asked myself the question: "Am I holding myself back?" The answer is yes I am holding myself back. Thinking back to these past few years I think about the opportunities that I have sabotaged myself from, but what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of failing more than I am afraid of succeeding? I see a lot of people that I have crossed paths move on and succeed and I seem to be stuck in the same place, and I am afraid that I am starting to get comfortable, but I am also afraid that the mistakes that I made when I transferred from a four year to a community college wrong. I handled the situation wrong and now those mistakes haunt me and I don't know what to do, but feel like I don't deserve the same opportunities or chances that I work hard for.

When I was in grammar school I worked really hard to get really good grades and I liked to learn, so I worked hard as a child because I wanted to get into a good college. However when the time came for me to go to high school I applied to a lot of prestigious high schools that would help me get into good colleges, and I worked really hard to get into them, but they didn't accept me and I ended up in a high school that had a really bad reputation. I accepted my fate but I knew that I was better than that. My first year of high school I was really studious and I worked hard to get the grades I always got, but I was angry. My second year I failed everything and since then I have been failing everything since. My logic was I worked so hard to get into a good high school and I am stuck here in a place where people don't have to work at all to get into. I resented my life's choices a lot instead of studying I could have been having fun and enjoying my childhood instead of all of those sleepless nights of studying that amounted to nothing. My junior I got straight A's out of nowhere without studying anymore or doing much of anything. My senior year I showed up three times in the school year to school and I ended up graduating with three more credits than anyone else. I wasn't going to apply for colleges. In fact I became very depressed at this time and I refused to apply to colleges. My counselor and my parents met behind my back and applied to a couple of schools for me. I didn't know about it until the letters started to show up at my door, and I was angry about the whole situation. I ended up getting accepted into NEIU (Northeastern Illinois University) and my first three semesters went well I enjoyed going to NEIU. The only downfall was that at the time they didn't have UPasses and I was paying close to $1000 per semester in order to cover transportation costs, and it would take me four hours to get there and four hours to come home on the bus and train. I grew tired of this and decided to transfer.

At around this time my brother started to look for high schools. My brother has never cared for his grades and he had below average grades in school, but I guess that's what I admire about him he doesn't care about anyone's opinion but his own. Anyway, my brother has this Godly luck and I've always been a really hard worker, and I have always resented him, because he's given everything in life with amazing ease. When it came to him looking at high school one of his teachers handed him a scholarship to go to a really good high school. I was furious, because when I was looking at high schools I had asked this same teacher about high schools and scholarship and I would go to all of these fairs  and this teacher refused to help me. My brother didn't ask for help and he handed him a scholarship, and all of these opportunities that I had asked for help to get. In other words I got screwed over, but my brother with his Godly luck got it handed to him, and around this time was when I completely lost it. I was already angry, but I became angrier with the entire situation.

I transferred to a community college, and I did not transition well at all. I got terrible grades. I went into the community college with a 4.0 GPA from a four year school, and by the end of that semester I had a 1.9 GPA. At this point I stopped caring about grades and school and all I wanted to do was drop out, but my parents would not let me, and I regret that I did not take initiative and drop out of school because I was not ready for it. I should of taken a year or two off and come back to school when I was serious. I guess my advice as bad as it may sound at this point is don't listen to your parents especially if you feel that you aren't ready for it. It will save you time and headaches you really don't need. A lot of time has passed since then and I am getting better grades now especially now that I know what I want to do or have an idea.

Yes I do sabotage myself from any thing because I'm tired of getting screwed over, and as I have learned in the pass couple of months life is short, and I am not going to live forever and I am probably not going to be remembered, and at this point in my life I could really care less. When I do die I want to disappear and that will be all none of this charades of people who weren't there when I was alive pretending to give a sh*t about me when I'm dead. If you aren't here in the now you just aren't here. I don't pretend to be a saint nor do I pretend to be a victim these are the cards I got dealt with, and it was a bad hand, maybe in the next hand I'll get a better hand, but for now these were the cards I got dealt and these were the choices I made, and while I regret a few I have never failed to stay true to myself. While I am ranting about a few things I would also like to expand on what I said earlier about if you weren't there while I was alive don't be there when I was dead because you feel guilty. My parents drilled it into my head as a child that I could count my friends with one hand and they are right. Until this day I have three friends; my brother, my best friend China, and my best friend Iliana. These are the people that have been with me when I needed someone. These are the people who fed me when I nearly went homeless. I am really grateful to have them in my life.

My friend China let me stay in her house fed me, clothed me at one point when my family was losing everything. I know that when her dad passed away I wasn't there the way I could of been, but I also felt that devastation of not being there, because both she and her parents and brother were there for me when I needed help. I'm not sure if you will ever read this but I am really really grateful that you are in my life.

My friend Iliana has been there for me since I was ten and she was eight. I realize that I am a difficult person to stand for 13 years, and I realize that I've changed a lot, but I owe a lot of it to her and her family.

My brother Mario even though I did resent his Godly luck for  a really long time and it took me a long time to come to terms with this has been dragged down with me ever since he chocked me as a six year old and I don't know how he managed that, but since then he's been pretty good about listening to every story I've ever told even when I was crazy.

These are my friends. These are the people I hope skype or hologram in into my funeral and play highway to hell at my funeral and throw my ashes into the wind. These three people, but when I do die hopefully a long long long time from now when we are all little old folks and we talk about all of the crazy things we did now that we are young these are the people I want to surround me.


Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Person too.

I've been feeling down lately. I am having a stressful time at work and school has been no different. I have all of these ideas in my head and I just can't seem to find time to get them all out of my head. My schedule this semester has become hectic, and I start to wonder how anyone does anything without needing more hours in the day. It's really stressful, and to make matters worst a co worker of mine passed away last week, and it's sad. I just feel like this year started off really positively and then it just sunk from there. I've lost two really good friends this year and I've gone to more funerals then anyone needs to go in a year. I'm not questioning why things happened because they already happened and I am not having an existential crisis. I think that I just don't really say what I feel and that is my problem. I layer all of my problems and I shove them inside of myself then I keep adding layers. I've been told by many people that I am an introvert, and I am, but I don't mind I have serious trusts issues and many other things. I really hate the situations I put myself into all of the time. I apologize for this blog being so depressing lately, but I'm pretty sure no one besides me reads it anyway.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Keeping busy

I started school recently again. It's a pretty exciting semester. Today I had a minor victory in my planning class. Today I was able to transfer a STB file into a 3d printer file and its probably not that great of a victory but to me it was a big victory. Also I started rehearsals for my first scenes. I am really excited to work with these actors because both of them are really talented and I am a bit nervous. I hope I do well. -Fatima