Monday, February 15, 2016

Thursday, January 21, 2016



For as long as I can remember my Father always said to me to: "Fall in love with someone who loves you more than you love them." I think about this a lot. I've analyzed my parents to see if this is true and honestly I don't know because it seems like this concept applies to them, but I don't know if my parents are really only together because they feel like they are raising us correctly or because both of them fear being alone and that is something I've never had a problem doing. I've never had a problem being alone, and I think it's because my parents raised me to be overly independent, because they are both terrified of being by themselves. I have had relationships where I have loved the person more than they loved me, and I felt a loss of self control, and it sucks. I've also been in relationships where people have been more in love with me then I was with them and I'm not too sure about what my Father said.
My parents are only together because of a need that they have to not be alone since both of them grew up with no parents or parents that made them adults at an early age, so both of them resent being forced to be adults at an early age. Naturally when I came around I'm not sure if they were happy, or angry, because I was something that was theirs and their lack of time was due to all of their responsibilities they took on at an early age. I could never imagine doing that. I am now the age my parents were when they had me, and I can't even take care of myself much less alone raise a child at this particular moment. I have no stability until I finish school. I can't even imagine moving out because I made a promise when I was younger that I would only move out once. I was not going to move out then move back in with my parents I can't stand the thought of me failing on that area of my life.




I went to the capital yesterday, and I get tired just looking at the capital. It's not a strenuous ride or anything I just find it stressful to be there for several reasons.

  Why I find going to the capital city stressful

-My grandmother goes on a pilgrimage tour. Anywhere my grandmother goes there is a pilgrimage tour, and I have my own ideas about religion,  and they don't match her fanatism. We see every church and religious object in the city. It drives me crazy.

-There is an inhumane amount of walking involved.

-The train map look like a tree year old drew it.

-The train gives me a great deal of anxiety, because of all of the stories that everyone who has been there have told me.

-Apparently, according to the people that have lived there the people of the city rob people a lot, so I'm anxious about everything more than usual all the time.

-I like looking at all of the buildings, and all of the things they have because their architecture is really neo-classical, baroque, and then you have the bauhaus style of architecture in a complete other part of town, and then theres the business buildings in a hidden corner of town that are modern and look like they are trying too hard to copy the bank of China the one designed by I.M. Pei, and its a lot to look at in one day.

-My grandma and Co never listen to my explanations about the buildings.



I'm worried. I am very worried lately. In about six months I am going to have to switch schools in order to finish up my career, and it worries me a lot more than I am letting on. I'm worried that if I don't go out of state or at least out of this city that I am going to be failing myself. I've been joking around with some people about applying to Harvard, but a lot of people have been really encouraging about it, and I might do it even if it is to just get that out of my system. I'm looking at Parsons the New School in New York, and Southern Illinois University in Carbondale, Illinois. I just have to have the guts to finish both of their applications, and follow through. When I was seventeen I had a school counselor who was interning for the high school where I was going to tell me that my problem was that I never followed through with whatever it was I was doing, and that I was more afraid of it failing then it working. I agree fully with him. Its not that I lacked motivation, because I have quite a bit of it, however as I am sending in the applications I get a vision in my head about the letter of rejection getting sent before I even send out my application, and that's what stops me. For a long time I felt the same way about my music.  I wouldn't publish my music on the internet because I was afraid of people telling me that I suck. The hardest thing I have done (besides climbing that awful mountain twice!) was put my first song up on soundcloud. I felt like I was giving up my newborn to the internet, and I was constantly checking for something to go wrong for a day I painstakingly waited for something to go wrong before I would take it down. When I went to check up on the song it turned out it was doing really well and that encouraged me to keep it up and to keep recording my songs, and I felt encouraged to keep going forward.


Bro Bae Tales

I recently started going to school again, but three of my friends are in a class together, and I find it very funny that the three of them have managed to tell me about Bro Bae. One of these friends is my brother, and the first day he told me about Bro Bae. It's humorous to me, because his description was:

"He looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, but like he is now but he has Jax Teller hair, and he's blonde, and I don't know if I'm attracted to him, or I want him to be a part of my Sons Of Anarchy cosplay group for c2e2."

Curious about Bro Bae I prodded him, and my two other friends for more information, because I find my brother's reaction to the entire thing hilarious because he is a very serious person, and for him to come and tell me that:

"I think I'm questioning my sexuality."

"Why?" I ask nonchalantly.

"Because there's this guy in my class that I'm not sure if I'm attracted to or," he says. I spin around in my office chair with my leg crossed on top of the leg that is pushing my chair around, and I lean my head onto my arm, and look at him because these kind of questions are completely normal and acceptable in my life. I decide it's best to prod him to go forward because I have been waiting for him to say this his entire life.

"And?" I say my facial expression trying to hide the fact that I've just watched six seasons of anime, and that this secretly kind of makes me happy. He starts to pace the room, clearly concerned for himself.

"His name is [Bro Bae for all intents and purposes] and he looks like Leonardo DiCaprio, but like how Leo is now, and he has Jax Teller hair, and he's blonde, and I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him, or I want him to be part of my Sons of Anarchy cosplay group for C2E2," he says.

"Dude who cares if you are into him like that it's your life," I say. "But seriously it wouldn't hurt to get him into your SOA C2E2 cosplay."

He looks concerned that I might be judging him or that I might be letting my imagination run wild when in reality I was glad for him. As the night went by he kept changing how he felt about Bro Bae. I jokingly brought up if Bro Bae wasn't into him there was a selection of people, but then he said:

"I don't want to be with him like the way you are thinking. I want to be his 'bro' or like I want to be his best friend forever," he said. I tell him that I get crushes on people but I don't want to be in a relationship with them that I just want to be their best friend, and I ask him if that's weird. He says that that is how he feels about Bro Bae. It was then that we deemed Bro Bae as Bro Bae. Its interesting because when I get crushes on people or I start to like someone it's not because I want to be in a relationship with them I just want to be their best friend but like a territorial best friend. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well enough.


On another note I once again almost wandered into the wrong gendered bathroom although I really don't think anyone would of noticed because I can pass for it in some aspects, but in others I can't and that upsets me.



Monday, January 18, 2016


So, I got yet another one of my famous haircuts. Lately, I just feel a lot better about being myself. For the longest time I followed a trend or a person and I'm not sure if I was comfortable or scared of being myself, and lately since the haircut I have felt a lot better about being myself. I know I don't really share a lot or maybe I share too much on here and I realize people are reading but I'm tired of pretending that I know what I am doing I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life, and for once in my life it really doesn't bother me or send me into a panic attack.
All of my life I have been struggling with my gender identity, and I've been vague as far as it goes with everyone around me except two people who I trust with my life, but even then I've been pretty vague about that too. When I was a child I hated that what I saw on the outside did not match what I felt on the inside, and this was a source of a big frustration for me, and I hated that I had to look a certain way, because my parents dictated so, or because I was trying to fit in at school, and I didn't want other people to call me a dyke, but I didn't want to wear anything that made me feel uncomfortable also. Recently when I hacked off my hair it was because it felt right. I realize it seems ridiculous to talk about a haircut but this sort of stuff matters to me. Suddenly I had a fuck it attitude about everything I stopped caring what people thought of me, and decided that I'm 24 I'm old enough to say what I feel, not talk to people I don't like and stop pretending to like them, and it took a huge weight off of my shoulders that I didn't realize was there. Its very relieving to cut off people who you feel a lot of stress with, or you just don't know what to expect with off. I used to think it was stupid when people said that they cut off people who were really negative, but you don't realize how much their negativity affects you until you cut them off, and it's actually true that it revives you. 

More on this later.