Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Thoughts from another place

I wonder when I changed. I can't say that my change was triggered by anything that made a high impact in my life that made me reanalyze the status of my life. It was sudden. It was unexpected, and it was swift in its resolve. Was the move that made me analyze that I had been living under a thumb not someone's thumb but my own failed frustrations and expectations and had started to force myself to live with what I had and not expect anymore? Was it living alone that triggered a new way of life? Or was the newfound comfort of not having other people's vibes mess with my neutral and peaceful vibes?
Its an interesting place to be when you've made peace with yourself and people you've known your entire life see this and it brings up the horrifying question that they have been trying to avoid into mind: "What am I doing?" and in a way forces people to indirectly act out and lash out much more than before. My parents are a particularly interesting set of people as I have explained throughout this blog where I tell you how my parents fell out of love throughout the years and I watched this happen from behind closed doors, and silent whispers. My parents are highly unstable people, but this is expected of them because after all they are people. They react to things like people. It took me a long time to realize that they were not these fleeting visions that I should strive and model my own life after, and I finally understood when my parents consistently preached their own mistakes to me in order for me to avoid these mistakes and make new mistakes that they were not given the opportunity to have.
However, while I have realized that my parents are only human my parents have failed to realize that I am only human as well even though I do a lot more in the same amount of time that they have had I have probably done more in a different tangent of life than they did in their tangent.
-Fatima

Uneasy

I can feel the beast that was silently sleeping inside of me stir and start to wake again. Like a forgotten dream that was silently swept away during the night when I wasn't looking in the morning. I fear that I am becoming the become, and that makes me uneasy. I haven't had the mind lately to get lost in my thoughts on my silent walks to different destinations, because my head is filled with dread and constant lists and deadlines. While it is to some relief that I am busy, because it helps pass the time I find myself at a great displeasure at times when everything goes awry.
I can't stop my imagination nor can I stop what I feel.
I have always been an overly sensitive person as a child this was one of my heaviest downfalls. I trusted people too easily, I cared too much, I cared too hard, and they always let me down because I always believed in them. Many people took advantage of this trait of mine, and I not knowing any better allowed them too, but every once in a while there would come that moment of vulnerability that I was shown and that was a moment that I would wait for, but once shown my interest in them dwindled, because I no longer had anything of value I wanted. As a teenager I learned how to build walls to protect myself, but it wouldn't be until many years later that I would learn to ruthlessly cut people off for my own sake. At first I felt terrible about it and would come back to these people with my tail in between my legs as if I had been the one that had wronged them. One day I don't know what finally caused me to choose myself, and finally put myself where I belonged.
Yet there are unfortunately some people that you can't change, they won't change, or are so set in their ways that they don't know how to change and these are the people that will try to take advantage of your shortcomings and use them against you. The hardest thing I ever had to learn was how to love myself despite what was going on around me, and lately I feel that the things in my life have started to make me lose that just a bit, and I need to change that.
I vowed that I would never let myself feel or be treated that way again. I used to get asked why I stopped dating and I would say: "If I am going to waste my time with someone I'd rather waste that same time on myself and I'll feel a lot better about it." I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before but when my last unfortunate dating experience happened I looked back and analyzed everything and it hit me how much time I had wasted on that and I vowed that I would never do that again. I gave myself a new opportunity with my twenties.
The one thing I can say that I hate passionately above all else is other people wasting my time. I don't mind at all when I waste my own time because its mine after all, but when other people waste my time it infuriates me to no end. When sense finally got through my thick skull I said: "Fatima we are going to waste your twenties by yourself on yourself. We are going to royally mess up and just spend this time on ourselves," and that was my vow. My early twenties were their own mess because it is a period of adaptation and non acceptance of your own vows, but by the time you hit your mid-twenties you are still pretty bad. At this point I feel like my sanity finally hit me when I was twenty five. When I was twenty five it was like the haze and cloudiness that had been clouded my mind since my teenage years finally vanished, and I saw things and people for what they were. I attempted to empathize with them, but I found that I really couldn't. Things I felt were similar before I found I could no longer stand, and I can't say it was them that changed because it was me. I know that it might sound like the age long argument: "It's not you it's me," but in this case it really was me that changed.
I'm not going to say that I need to get out more because as an introvert I would say I need to recharge and stay in more. Another thing that has been on my mind lately has been: Why is it that when you are surrounded by people it is that you feel more alone? I have always been the type of person to thrive alone and to thrive in chaos. This week for me was a week of constantly feeling alone when I was surrounded with people, and I'm not really sure why that is other than I enjoy my own company way too much. I like being me, I like being with myself and my thoughts.
Well I think that is it for today.
Until next Time.
-Fatima

Monday, May 1, 2017

Eternity

I turned twenty-six last week, and I find myself becoming incredibly understanding of myself, and yet at the same time I find the more I live in life that I become far more confused than when I first started. Maybe its the fact that I am an extremely stubborn person. Once I choose to believe in something nothing and no one can stop me or not stop me. I've been told that this is an admirable trait to have. However I find it an irritating trait to have, because once I get it in my head I will not stop until I can finish said task.
The more time that passes the more I feel that I become far more confused then when I started. I remember seeing my life like this eternal thing that I had so much time for as a child. I remember it like it was yesterday as I lay in my parents old brown flower patterned couch that was pushed against the front window of my living room so that it faced the dinning room instead of the window, and I remember as my mum vacuumed the brown carpet and I stared at the sun spots in the corner of the room I remember thinking "I have a lot of time until I am my mum's age." I even remember how eternal it felt to me thinking about how long it would be until I was that age. I also remember thinking about how I was going to own a red convertible after I graduated from Harvard according to myself, but I just looked at my mum and scoffed thinking about the day that I at four would reach her age. To me it was something I couldn't grasp therefore I wouldn't care about it for a while. I went back to staring at the ceiling.
I always assumed that my parents were old when they had me. I'm not sure why I felt this way or where I got this idea, but as I slowly but surely became their age I wondered how the hell they were even allowed to raised me when they were probably just as confused as I am at this age. I can barely take care of myself can I just imagine the unimaginable of having a child to take care of as well? At this point in time I can't say that I can see myself doing so. Don't get this wrong I do have the capability to love a child, however I also think of my experiences of a child and I would of liked to have my parents around a lot more than I did, and I know for a fact that at this point in time I can't say that I could do that. Another thing about my parents was that because both of them were a lot smarter than they claimed to be they grew bored very quickly with the life they choose to led. I saw as my parents who to me have claimed that they love each other I saw throughout my childhood as that same love that got them to be together in the first place died. I don't believe you can love someone for the rest of your life, because things will happen and other forces will say that "love is tough and you have to fight for it," and all of these things to convince you that it exists so they can sell you on the idea of loving someone else, but the truth is even the happiest of couples who have been together for a long time are just doing it after a while out of habit not out of love.
I know that I am an advocate of self love and self realization, and in a way it might be expected of me to say this but I don't believe in love, nor do I believe in sharing your life with someone else. I'm sure most of you who read this and know me will argue that I've never been in love therefore I cannot make assumptions, but to you I say this: in my experience this time around I don't think I was made or molded to love people. To me this is a very odd thing. I don't understand why you have to find a partner to stay with out of fear of dying alone, because that is what is going to make you happy. I have seen not just my parents but a lot of people tear themselves apart because of this idea, and to me to apply this ideology to my own life after seeing all of this is ridiculous. Yes you can argue that I am: "amargada, a pessimist," and so forth but I tried this ideology a few times as you have seen if you have read my previous posts, and it clearly didn't work out for me not because it was my partners fault necessarily, but because deep inside me I knew and something wouldn't let me. There was a time where I fantasized how "love was going to save me" but now after ten years of rewiring my brain to do something useful with my time instead of focusing on such notions I find myself at peace.
My parents find it odd that I have been saying that I would not get married nor would I date since I was three. At first they too worried and said that I was inexperienced, and at three years old I gave it to my parents that I hadn't seen the world, but to be fair I was also ready to move out of my parents house when I was four then I stopped myself because I couldn't get a job to support myself. There were many times in my childhood that I stopped myself from running away from my house because I wouldn't have shelter, and where would I get food? or a job? Thus I never ran away, but I stayed angry that I couldn't leave. As I grew older I grew angrier, and like a pot of boiling water one day I had a series of explosions to the point where I no longer felt anything. My own anger made experiencing other emotions a foreign concept. I stopped having empathy for anything other than myself, and learned how to act really well. Obviously a lot has happened since then and these things just spill out of me suddenly, but even though I don't waste time with things like applying the ideology of loving someone else. I do heavily apply the principle instead to loving myself, and yeah I enjoy a good Shoujo Manga and so forth I think I enjoy the story far more than if I had to live through it.
Well so much for me keeping it lighthearted.
Till next time.
-Fatima

Confidence

Lately I find myself wondering about things like inner peace, and the way I work in particular. My two friends say I am a narcissist but if I was a physical male I would be considered confident, and I don't think there is anything wrong with believing in yourself and making yourself a better person for the sake of you. I do not understand why when someone has a lack of self esteem as a woman they are more likely to be much more accepted than a woman who has self esteem. Instead of being seen as confident they are seen as a narcissist. In fact it is much more social acceptable and marketed so that people hate themselves and there is a huge market for telling you how you should look and how you should act when the reality of it all is that no two people are alike.
-Fatima

Time

It is December, and I feel like the year just flew right by us. I'm not sure where the time went. I find myself not really questioning anything or pressuring myself anymore since I started to live alone for the first time in my life I feel myself content. I don't feel the pressure of not knowing what I am doing. I find myself letting go of people who have bad vibes, and I don't really want to vibe with and find myself much more content in the company of myself. I have proven to myself that I really was designed to live by myself. I do wish that I had moved out on my own in Chicago is the only downfall. If I had moved out in Chicago on my own and not gone to School I would of had the company of my family and my best friends who have become family after knowing each other for 15+ years. Although the peaceful atmosphere of the country is also very nice. As a child I always wanted to live in the country, and now as an adult I have fulfilled that desire that I had as a child, and I realize that I really am a city person even if there isn't much going on in my life I like my surroundings to be erratic, and busy.
I find it odd when people refer to me as a girl or a woman. I have never seen myself as that, and even though I am physically a woman and even then not as much as you would imagine I have never acted like one nor do I have the desire to do so. To be fair I don't know.
-Fatima

Old Songs

I find it odd to hear a song that I used to listen to ten-fifteen years ago. It brings a certain level of discomfort as I actually listen to the song and wonder how no one sucker punched me because I was singing that song or playing that song until my ears bled. Then there are those songs that spark certain memories from a previous time period. The type of songs that make you lost within your own head as you start to think of one thing and it leads to another memory that you could of sworn you had forgotten long ago. I don't find myself reminiscing anymore as much as I used to like when I would before. I believe I kept replaying those memories because I felt that if I analyzed it further I could of seen what it was that I missed, I could of seen where I went wrong, and understanding it and making peace with it. However I see that the more I played the same memories the more I stayed in that time period I was trying desperately to escape. I wonder why I took so long to realize that doing this was not normal. I realize I have come a long way since I started writing here. I've told you stories of all the nights I didn't sleep, because no one will ever tell you the story of when they went to bed early, and by doing so I did miss out on other opportunities. I constantly think of one of my favorite movies Mr.Nobody where he says:
"If you don't choose anything is possible," and we see as all of the choices are played out in the film however we never know what really happened with Nemo Nobody. I feel the same. I feel like after a while I would let the choice make itself "if it was meant to then it would be," was my philosophy on my life. Yet everything I used to think would happen never did because I never made choices. Even if you don't make choices life will make them and it probably won't be in your favor.
Speaking of that is another thing I find myself thinking about a lot. I feel like the minute I came out of the womb someone was already screaming at me how "Life isn't fair," "Life doesn't owe you anything," and much to my annoyance people would tell me this. It is what it is, but following the rules definitely did not get me some prize of life that I assumed it would. In fact following the rules is the reason that I trapped myself in a box. Consciences, what's right and what's wrong really doesn't get you much of anywhere. It wasn't until I took the liberating first step of not following the rules, but of following my own way that I realized all of these rules that were implied were what was trapping me in a box which was when I decided that when I died I wanted to be creamated, because I spent my entire life in a box I was not going to spend my death and the rest of eternity decaying in one. Then it hit me Death is fair. Death takes; young, old, rich, poor, sick, healthy. It seemed humorous to me that this entire time
It's been a while since I've been here. I realize I appear sporadically here as well, but I find myself lost in my own world lately and completely comfortable with being lost there. I am quite stressed out to be honest. I feel like I started off on the wrong footing this semester and I am coping with it the best way I can. I'm kind of glad I didn't take on anymore activities than what I did because I would of drowned in my own stress. I am having a tough time with these classes, but I hope that I will work hard enough to pass them and to learn the material so I only have to do it once.

-Fatima

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Flood

It's been a while hasn't it? So many things have happened since I wrote here last. My first apartment got flooded and my landlord moved me to a different apartment which is much nicer than my first apartment. I just finished moving my things today and as I stood in my first apartment one last time I grew sad. This feeling of sadness overwhelmed me and "There's never a right time to say goodbye," started to auto play in my head. As I stood there in the empty humid apartment one last time I came to cherish the time I had spent there this previous semester. I did not realize how much a part of me that apartment had become. I remembered things like when my brother came to visit and we cooked food while watching Bleach on my TV, or how my mum helped me move in, and as I stared out the window I grew more upset by the minute that my time there had come to an end. 
I feel like before I knew it I had come to terms with living alone and having my own space. That apartment had become a part of me and I did not think that I would leave it as soon as I did. Well it more of like left me, but I wasn't prepared for something so sudden like a boiler exploding on the third floor and seeping its way onto five other apartments including my own. I've thought about it and while I was a bit angry with the fact that my TV had water damage or that the water got into my printer and it no longer works (I was reimbursed for all of the damage by my landlord,) I am slowly coming to terms that maybe this was supposed to happen to get me out of my comfort zone. I am thankful that I wasn't in the apartment because I honestly do not know what I would of done if boiling hot water had fallen on me,
I am back in the University town after an enlightening time back home for the holidays. A lot of unfortunate things happened to others that while they did disappoint me because they were happening also became a learning experience and I was better able to fully comprehend that I had made the right decision about my life, and about staying in school and somehow someday finishing my degree. 
I felt really upset yesterday for a number of reasons. For starters I had a really horrible dream that I couldn't shake off so I had very little broken sleep, and then I was put into an unexpected situation where in two of my classes grad students are teaching them throwing me completely off but I hope for the best for both of them and that they learn a lot, Although in my first class because it is a Japanese 2 class the grad student came up to me and asked me a couple of questions because I am a transfer student so I didn't take Japanese 1 at this school where I am currently at but at my previous Uni, and it threw me off, and I'm not sure if it threw me off because I had a lack of sleep the night before or I was nervous, or I was thrown off that he was a year older and I was questioning my life's choices because he had his life pretty put together, and I did not, or if I was imagining the situation completely different from what the reality was, or if I was nervous as hell, but I had to keep myself from blushing because I felt embarrassed and I'm not really sure why.
As I was talking to my mother today I came to the dark realization that maybe it was because I had not played video games so my obsessive personality was not being satisfied because I was going through withdraw symptoms and I was not obsessing over a game or a game mission. I still haven't played I have my TV on an intense drying therapy so that I can try to salvage it and play soon.

-Fatima