Monday, July 25, 2016

Moving Out and other tales

I have been busy getting ready to embark on a new journey. I will be attending a new Uni in the fall (in reality in a month.) I admit I am nervous, because this will be my first time living truly alone, but I have been assured by friends who are older and remember their first time moving out that I would enjoy it. I am overwhelmed by the amount of support I have from my co-workers and people I have surrounded myself with about this decision that I have made. I am very grateful that I was given the opportunity to meet the people that I have met.
When I was a senior in high school I remember the director of the school decided to give us a speech about our upcoming years, and I remember he started by bringing up the anecdote of the turtle and the hare. He said that sure the rabbit won the race, but it wasn't about how fast you get to the end, but that you get there. I remember at the time thinking it was odd that he would talk about the turtle finishing the race, and I thought it was dumb that he said that to me it was obvious that the real winner was the rabbit. As I grew older and made many mistakes that would led me to the point where I am I realize that he was right. We all take different roads, but eventually we get to the destination where we were going. Now that I have experienced everything I experienced I understand that its not about how fast you go, but that you are able to experience and appreciate what you were given at the time you were given. I have written many stories on this blog about things that happened to me, and how I felt at the time, but if I hadn't had those experiences I wouldn't appreciate why they happened when they did. For example, I have written about how I had a friend when I was younger let's call her H. H and I were a year apart, but I remember when I first saw her I felt that I needed her to be in my life. H was probably one of the most selfish people I could of met, but I choose not to see that at the time. Instead I choose to see the few instances where H was kind, and caring, and a genuinely good person. As the years went by H's true colors started coming out, and for years I put up with H's shit from accusing me of stealing their significant other, to bad mouthing H. Mutual friends of ours assured H that I was doing nothing but defending H from the same people that were telling H that I was the one with bad intentions. I guess H choose to see it their way, and one day after picking the scab off of the wound one too many times I disappeared from H's life. For a really long time I could not let what happened between myself and H go. I felt angry, but most of all I felt hurt, and I felt betrayed, by someone who I genuinely wanted to prove everyone about them wrong, but that was the last person I felt I could change, and that is when I stopped subconsciously trying to help people see that they were better than what people initially saw in them.
It was because H was a bad friend that I was able to appreciate when I have a friend. It was because I always felt anxious around H that I was able to appreciate when I can truly be myself with someone and not pretend to be something else. It was because H was so selfish that I learned to be selfless in order to not be that kind of person. It was because H hurt me one too many times that I learned to be selfish enough to get out of that relationship (Platonic.) It was because H and I argued so much at the end that it forced us to be honest with each other that I learned that not all fighting with those you love is bad. What makes me sad about my relationship (as a friend) with H was the end. When I used to think of H that is what truly made me sad was when it ended, because not only did our childhood friendship end, so did the era of my life.
When I think of my time with H (now that I am truly over it) I think of how that was how I spent my pre-teen years, and my teenage years. I like to romanticize and put filters on the memories. I like to remember all of the good times I spent with this person. H to me was like summer. After being inside all winter, H was the summer I looked forward to. In a way now that I think back on it it was like all of those movies where they show summer as this undying and wonderful time in everyone's life. However good things don't last forever. When it was the end a lot of things came out about each other. I said how I sometimes wish I had had H's experience in my teenagehood, and how I wish I was more like H. H said that that was funny, because H wished she had had the experiences I went through and that H wished H was more like me. I am obviously romanticizing it now in my memories, but then end was what was so sad, and for a really long time I could not process how we got there. I can't tell you the last time I saw H because I repressed that memory. It was too painful for me to remember, and I knew deep in my soul that that was the last time I would ever see this person. After nine years I knew it was the end, but I did what I always do I pretended to be fine for a really long time when internally I was not fine at all. I haven't wondered what happened to this person in a really long time.

It has been six years since the end.

When people used to ask me what happened to me to become as cold hearted and as distant as I was I used to get angry and tell them about H, and how evil, and terrible H was as a person. Now when people ask me what happened to me I still tell them about my bad luck with friendship, and laugh it off, and I tell them how someday I'll get it right. I haven't spoken about H in three years until now unless if it's at therapy, but H very rarely comes up now a days. The aftermath of H was I was able to spend time alone, and meet new people who I think I wouldn't of met had I still been friends with H. It's not a bad thing, but it forced me to change as a person. It showed me which people cared, and which people to look out for.

I was thinking about how I met all of these terrible people (for me) and how meeting all of these hoards of terrible people have led me to meet the few good people that I have known in my life. If I hadn't gone through everything I had gone through would I have gone through the good?

Moving out is pretty nerve racking. Who knows how life will treat me, but I think at this moment in life I am stuck. I am mentally stuck about the way my life is going. I'm not sure if it's going anywhere. I am so confused! Yet unlike before when I hid my feelings I am  not afraid to say that I am confused, and a change of environment might do me some good. I think living alone will do me a lot of good.

-Fatima

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Tear Ducts

Summer reminds us of childhood. Childhood is usually filled with our imaginations over romanticizing what truly happened with how we perceived it happened. Summer is like a sour pill that has occasional flavors that make us live for them until we realize that it wasn't the same as we had thought when we try it again as adults. Have I outlived my summers of joy? Have I finally accepted that summer is a time of dread and anticipation for something that will not happen the way I remember it? I believe that my outlook on everything has changed for a while now, and instead of rebelling against my common sense I find myself conforming to it and accepting it. I recently had an overflow of emotions that wore me out physically quickly and I thought to myself:

"How did I cry so much as a child and not be this worn out?" I was an overly sensitive child, and I cried rivers for things that now that I look back on it weren't worth it. [Like the ending of the Iron Giant.] I cried so much and yet the next day I was able to get back up and keep going. One day I finally got sick of crying and all of those feelings and need to cry became anger. I studied relentlessly on techniques on how not to cry. I went as far as to research if there was an operation to remove your tear ducts, because I wanted to be hardcore, and not be a pansy and cry as much as I did. There weren't any operations to remove your tear ducts if you were wondering. However I did discover that if you breathed normally and forced yourself to take deep breaths you wouldn't cry. I put my research into practice and succeeded for a really long time on not crying. Eventually I felt numb, and I stopped feeling entirely, but like all good things that came to an end and I started to lose control over things that I went out of my way to represses. Memories that were too painful for me started coming back, and the worst part about it all was that the feelings came back.

I tend to attract people who are selfish, and insecure towards me (referring to this in a platonic sense). I started talking to someone about this how I didn't understand how I gave it my all towards these people, and ultimately a number of things ended up happening but it always turned out the same:

Possible Outcomes that happened
-grew insecure
-grew jealous
-grew insecure and jealous but never broke it off with me
-subconsciously started to grow jealous of me
-subconsciously made everything into a competition with me

I asked someone why it was that I kept attracting these kinds of people towards me, and they told me it was because it looked like I was a strong person. Things have happened to me, and people assume that because of my background I've never had a problem in my life or if I have had problems that they have been menial compared to theirs. I'm not sure why people assume these things about me, and because of these assumptions I end up having to deal with the outcomes of stuff that eventually happens. I think people don't realize that I don't talk to them about my life and my story because I do not trust them, and since I know what eventually happens I never expose myself towards them. I don't think I could trust someone with knowing the truth of what happened to me, and then having them use it against me when I'm not ready nor do I want to linger on it. I know this sounds like I'm not giving people a chance and that I'm not opening up to them, and yes maybe I'm not giving them the chance. It's easy for me to spot the people who aren't authentic, and since I am not a fan of confrontation I silently pull away in order to avoid unnecessary theatrics. Am I afraid of having a relationship (Platonically) with someone? While a part of me is uneasy with the thought of having a platonic relationship with a person I think the truth is I enjoy my own company too much to commit to anything or anyone. I am afraid of commitment even in its most menial forms therefore I avoid it entirely.

The truth is I am not the strong person people assume I am. I am a person with my own set of skills, situations, and story. I choose to be like a moving train and never lingering, or going by the same place twice. Yes it does take me a while to process things, but once I have processed situations and things then I move on.

"Spare me the Details"-Todd Rodrigo

-F

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Unrequited

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about many things. Mainly I have been thinking about my past experiences and choices I have made and for better or for worse those choices have made me who I am. I choose to be this person writing before you. I think a lot about all of the love that I have given, and all of the love I have rejected as well. Mainly I think of this one person who was in love with me, and I with him, but because I feared everything that came with loving him I pushed him away, and even though he's moved on and I disappeared suddenly from his life and never saw him again, and now I know he's hopefully happy with the person he is with and the family he started, I find myself thinking a lot about him. It is something that I did regret but at the same time I do not regret the choice I made with staying away and eventually disappearing. I wonder like most of you I wonder what would of happened if I had been together with him, but I also realize that my character and personality while impossible and difficult are also a facade in order to cover my weaknesses, but in the years that I disappeared from his life I went through some of the toughest times I have gone through as a person. My panic attacks started, my depression became worse, and I pushed people away the closer they became to me, and I think it would of been difficult for anyone to have been with me as my significant other, and in a lot of ways I am grateful that I did was not together with anyone.
The truth of it all is I don't know how to be with someone. I've never tried because I do not like myself for who I am. I'm getting better about learning to like myself, but it took me years to get here. I am extremely grateful to those people who even though I  was the biggest piece of shit there was stayed with me because they loved me enough to know I would grow out of it, or guided me out of these phases I had. There have been a lot of people who have tried to become my friend, but I push them away, and I keep pushing them until the day comes until they either decide its difficult and they don't want to try anymore (but I really do not blame them) or they do something to make me realize that I shouldn't push them away.
Someone asked me a while back when I "would get back in the dating game?" and to answer this I don't think I will. I am stubborn, insecure, honest, giving, loyal, but I am not the kind of person to force things that are not meant to happen. I find people I know scrambling like mad to find someone to be with for a short while, or just to be with, and it feels like they are looking for someone to be with like they are running out of time, or they are forcing things and then wondering why it didn't work out. I do not judge these people, because I am not feeling what they are feeling. Instead I ask them these questions in order to understand their feelings, but I always get a variation of the same answer: "Because I don't want to be alone."  Is it that I do not feel the same rush or need because at this point of my life I've grown comfortable with being myself? or is it that I've gotten used to my own company that now other people drive me insane? I do not know.
I think that I am in love with the idea of being in love. I want to feel something more than fear, or hatred. I was talking to someone about this, and I said that I love Keira Knightley movies because there is always a moment where she knows she loves the other person, because the thought of them disappearing or losing them is enough for her character to know that she loves them. I realize that this is not the case with real life, and that maybe I might be a pessimistic hopeless romantic, but something in me still holds out for something like this. I would think that if you met the love of your life that at some point of knowing them and being close friends and all the day would come when the world would stop for you for just a second, and it would be then that you knew you loved that person. I realize this might be asking for too much, but as the person who I told this to told me that I wanted to feel passion for someone. My parents want me to feel passionate for something, it could be anything really just as long as I felt passionate to the point where I stood up for something, but I've been following the unwritten rules of life and my parents for so long I've lost my will to live and have become a wallflower in my own life. I keep getting asked by my therapist: "what do you like? what do you want to do?" and honestly everything I've ever felt passionate about before gets crushed by my own sense of realism that the world and its circumstances doesn't have to do it for me. My parents want for me to feel so much passion that I stand up for something that I stick the middle finger up at the world and say: "this is what I am passionate about and this is what I am doing because I want to do this."The reality of the situation is if I am given the opportunity to do things my way I wouldn't know what to do because I've lived with the rules for so long that I wouldn't do anything if there weren't any rules. I realize I am 25, with the heart and regrets of a 50 year old, but I no longer want to feel anything anymore. I want to give up completely on loving someone, because at this point I should really know myself well enough to know that I am not the kind of person to stay with someone, and at this point it's become a waste of time for me, and this is time I no longer have. I hope someday I do find some sort of peace within myself. It's like that quote by Albert Camus:

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

I would hope that within me there is something stronger pushing against my negative forces, but until I fix myself I won't make someone else go through my misery with me, because everyone deserves to be happy in their own way, and I will not be held responsible for someone's misery or happiness other than my own.

Lately I've had a string of uncomfortable run-ins with people who I knew in my past, but we had complications, and so I disappeared from their lives. Thankfully, it has only been run-ins with their family members who still greeted me very warmly. I do not know if I would of been as composed had I encountered the people whom I had disagreements with in the past.

I forgot to mention; I got a new job as a filing assistant in a company somewhere closeby but far away enough from my house. It is refreshing to do something I enjoy very much in a company where the company policy bears no hostility towards your co-workers. It is very enjoyable. Far more enjoyable than my last, but I enjoy the warmth of the people I work with and I enjoy their experiences, and I am grateful that I can work in such an amiable place.
I realize it's been a while since I've written here, and it wasn't until someone pointed out that I hadn't written on here that I got to it as they say.
Thank you.
-Fatima.



Thursday, January 21, 2016

Responsibilities

06/10/2015

For as long as I can remember my Father always said to me to: "Fall in love with someone who loves you more than you love them." I think about this a lot. I've analyzed my parents to see if this is true and honestly I don't know because it seems like this concept applies to them, but I don't know if my parents are really only together because they feel like they are raising us correctly or because both of them fear being alone and that is something I've never had a problem doing. I've never had a problem being alone, and I think it's because my parents raised me to be overly independent, because they are both terrified of being by themselves. I have had relationships where I have loved the person more than they loved me, and I felt a loss of self control, and it sucks. I've also been in relationships where people have been more in love with me then I was with them and I'm not too sure about what my Father said.
My parents are only together because of a need that they have to not be alone since both of them grew up with no parents or parents that made them adults at an early age, so both of them resent being forced to be adults at an early age. Naturally when I came around I'm not sure if they were happy, or angry, because I was something that was theirs and their lack of time was due to all of their responsibilities they took on at an early age. I could never imagine doing that. I am now the age my parents were when they had me, and I can't even take care of myself much less alone raise a child at this particular moment. I have no stability until I finish school. I can't even imagine moving out because I made a promise when I was younger that I would only move out once. I was not going to move out then move back in with my parents I can't stand the thought of me failing on that area of my life.

                                                                           xxx
Fatima

Capital

06/15/2015

I went to the capital yesterday, and I get tired just looking at the capital. It's not a strenuous ride or anything I just find it stressful to be there for several reasons.
LIST TIME!

  Why I find going to the capital city stressful

-My grandmother goes on a pilgrimage tour. Anywhere my grandmother goes there is a pilgrimage tour, and I have my own ideas about religion,  and they don't match her fanatism. We see every church and religious object in the city. It drives me crazy.

-There is an inhumane amount of walking involved.

-The train map look like a tree year old drew it.

-The train gives me a great deal of anxiety, because of all of the stories that everyone who has been there have told me.

-Apparently, according to the people that have lived there the people of the city rob people a lot, so I'm anxious about everything more than usual all the time.

-I like looking at all of the buildings, and all of the things they have because their architecture is really neo-classical, baroque, and then you have the bauhaus style of architecture in a complete other part of town, and then theres the business buildings in a hidden corner of town that are modern and look like they are trying too hard to copy the bank of China the one designed by I.M. Pei, and its a lot to look at in one day.

-My grandma and Co never listen to my explanations about the buildings.

                                                                        xxx
Fatima