Saturday, April 11, 2015

Oranges

I wonder what its like to have support from someone that isn't manipulative. Today I was once again told by "it" that mental illness does not exist and that I am pretending. The truth is now I don't even want to acknowledge "it" as a human being anymore if I stop acknowledging "it" it might leave me alone once and for all. I'm slowly getting better, but I have a long way to go. The other day "it" was driving the car and I came to the realization that I don't have feelings for "it," I have feelings of anger against "it" but I think its time for me to let those feelings go. 

"It" used to tell me a story when I was younger about how in life people are carrying oranges and those oranges are all of your worries, problems, and burdens, and after a while down the road you realize that the weight of the oranges in your orange sack is crushing you, and here is where you reach a fork in the road. Either you empty out your orange sack or you keep carrying them and keep being crushed by them. I always wondered why people would carry these sacks full of oranges it seemed silly to me that people would hang on to them, but what I didn't realize is that "it" became my sack of oranges, and I didn't know that I was carrying the sack of oranges and being crushed by it until someone confronted me about the situation. Unfortunately for me "it" is getting to an age where "it" can no longer be reasoned with if before we had a chance to reason with "it" and I didn't get through there's little to no chance of me fixing what ever it is that "it" and I are. 

Anyways, as I was in the car I realized that I am also at an age where I can't hope anymore to fix what ever "it" and I are. It's like the five stages of grieving:

1.) Denial and Isolation

-Confronted with the problem of "it" and I
-Deciding to prove everyone wrong, but at the same time realizing that it was true.

2.) Anger

-Being angry when I realized that it was true 
-Always blaming myself for the relationship with "it" never working.

3.)  Bargaining

-Attempting to understand "it"
-Attempting to be less of a problem for "it"
-Always thinking of what "it" wants
-Attempting to talk to "it"
-Attempting to do a lot for "it"

4.) Depression

-(Step I was at this last few weeks)
-Realizing that I will never have the relationship that I was meant to have with "it"
-Realizing that I was not right

5.) Acceptance

-(Transitioning into this phase)
-[As I am writing this I am figuring out that I am working towards this step]
-Accepting that "it" and I will never have any sort of relation with each other
-Moving on while knowing that I tried to savage whatever it was we had.
-Letting it go this time for real.
-Accepting that I was not meant to have this and understanding that it just wasn't meant to happen.
-Letting it go because I realize that it's something I can't do and it's okay because it wasn't meant for me.

I am realizing that I have a lot of internal work to do with myself in order to reach the acceptance stage, and I also realize that I have to work really hard on myself and stop paying attention to external sources.

Thank you all.

I got the five stages of grief from this website: http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

-Fatima

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Faraway Lands

I think too much. All of these thoughts flood my head when I lay myself to attempt to sleep and I don't know why I think things too deeply. I write and I write and hope that someday I will empty myself out and I'll feel something different, but I write and I write and it seems like the more I write the more layers of myself I peel and different problems arise and I find out new things and I feel this pressure on my head that is killing me. I read somewhere that you would never see a poet in a bright yellow jacket, and red boots, and while this is true it is also true that you will never find what you are looking for if you are looking for something. I would say I had something to blame why I am who I am, but the truth is I was born this way. I was born twisted and questioning everything, and I never got the answers I required and now that I've reassigned myself from everything I was doing and hope to get some sort of people of mind I somehow can't.

I don't like talking to people, or mingling, or having acquaintances because I just find them to be a big headache that I don't want to deal with, but at the same time I find myself desperate for company, and none of it makes sense. I sleep but I don't really sleep because my thoughts are becoming too much for me. I get extremely busy in order to avoid thinking because I think that will stop me from thinking and I get the urges much worse. I try to do nothing and it seems to stabilize me a little bit, maybe I should try to break from my routine and run away to a faraway land for a while and rediscover myself.

-Fatima

Amnesia

For some reason I have a lot to say but somehow find myself at a loss for words. I write and I feel like I have a lot to say but then I find myself saying too much or then I find myself holding back. Like this morning for example I found the "it" yelling at me for something but I blocked it out, so I really can't say what "it" was going on about, but I think that parents don't want their children to be happy, because parents feel that they need their children to depend on them and if their child is happy somehow they feel jealous of that happiness because they are not happy necessarily because of them if any of this makes sense. I found myself somehow feeling sorry for "it", but then I found myself feeling happier than what I had felt a few months ago when I was extremely busy and was ready to off myself because the situation was unbearable.

Last night I wrote this: I guess I'm happy. I'll run away. I'll save it all for another day. I think I might disappear from all of the lives that I am involved with, and I'll leave a gap of time blank in order to understand what I need to do. I'm actually feeling much more real when I speak about what I feel as opposed to before where I would talk about all of these other things that I no longer feel are relevant.

I then concluded that I need a very long vacation from all of the bullshit  [excuse me] I have to deal with on a daily basis and the people I deal with on a daily basis. Last week I started to analyze the people that I talk to or somehow know, and I realize that while I am all sorts of messed up a lot of the influences for my negative connotations are influenced from outside sources. I would like to say that I am easily aggravated by people's crap, but if you knew the people I have to deal with on a daily basis and how negative and selfish they can be you would agree that I need to skip town for a while.

I need to breathe in new air from a new country even if there is nothing to do. I need to see a different scenery. Maybe I am also driving myself insane from seeing the same thing over and over again and not having a break from seeing the same thing. Someday I will remember all of this and be past it I hope.

-Fatima

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Knots

I have loved to solve knots every since I can remember. When my parents were younger I remember they would always hand me the knots to solve, because they would get tired and want to just cut them off, but I would interject and solve them after a few minutes. While I was solving them I would think of a lot of things and wonder how something as small as a knot could annoy anyone. As I grew older I thought maybe knots were symbolic for everyday problems, and I kept solving them while thinking of my problems.

Now that I am reaching an age that I don't understand I wonder how I had so much patience for solving knots before. I think about how before I would pay attention to people that annoy me or speak nonsense or are just really off. Particularly this morning as I was laying in bed at five in the afternoon still not woken up, but very happily still in bed and my roommate who I have lived with since the beginning of my time ("it") started rambling on about some non-sense which I have recently learned to tune out the "it" thanks to many hours of therapy where I was told that "it" is off of "it"s rocker and I wondered how I didn't think of tuning "it" out when I was younger or why I took "it" seriously when I was younger. I remember when I was younger "it" made me so angry just "it"s existence made me so angry, and for those of you that don't know the "it" is emotionally abusive, and manipulative and "it" projects that you are the one that is wrong with the world, so "it" makes you feel like the scum of the earth but when you try to take your life (like I have many times, but don't be alarmed I have a lot of help for this now) "it" acts shocked and manipulates therapists, or anyone  around "it" to think that "it" is the most caring person and we live such a happy life like how dare I think I've got it so bad, and if you are in a situation similar to the one I was in I would suggest that you reach out for help to someone that does not know the person who is emotionally abusing and manipulating you and don't ever let the person who you are talking to meet that person who is abusing you.

To me it's been quite a journey so far, but I think what really threw me off is that I thought that it was normal to have such an abusive person in my life, and I admit it is taking a lot of time to adjust to standing up to myself and having borders, and the best advise I have been told is to ignore "it". I'm feeling a little bit better, and I'm just happy knowing that I was right all along, and that there is a different way of life, and that I don't necessarily have to take the out I thought was the only way out which was suicide. I don't know why that makes me so happy.

Knots are complicated and maybe my roommates (parents) did well in giving me all of the knots that they did when I was younger to solve and apply to my life. However my roommates taught me how to solve their flaws and problems, but in return they failed to show me that I would have flaws, and problems that I couldn't solve, but there would be no one out there to help me solve my own knot, and the worst part would be that I wouldn't know that there was a knot or that I was in one, and I don't think that parents were ever meant to succeed no matter how hard they try, or how great of parents they are there will always be a flaw to the parent. I am not a parent, but I realize that I am set up to fail as a parent as well, and my fear is that my future child will turn out like me, angry and disappointed because I am flawed and their illusion of whatever I am supposed to be is flawed in their eyes. Although really my biggest fear is my future child turning out like me with a lot of anger, and a lot of people ridicule this in a child, and I think that you shouldn't. I think you should take that child's anger seriously in the moment, and not let that anger grow throughout the years and engulf their spirit of who they are supposed to be or who they could be, and that is precisely what happened to me the roommates ridiculed my anger and it grew, and the more years that passed the more it grew until I no could no longer have something as simple as a human interaction without me being really angry at the other person for no particular reason. It didn't help that the "it" is emotionally abusive and I was always confused about whether or not I was crazy or not. I am not a fan of people who claim that there is no such thing as mental illness, because they are ignorant. Especially the generation who are parents, because it seems that they are the people who have the most mental illnesses and when their children bring it up for them to get help they refuse and then wonder why their children are not alright. I could tell you a lot of stories of how my father has abandonment issues, or how he is bipolar (BUT he's working on this!!!! GOOD THING! :D), or how the "it" has had depression since before I was born and blames "it"s life going "wrong" on me, but I didn't ask to be born, and if you thought the world was as messed up as you think it is then maybe you should of thought a little bit more before bringing someone into the world then blaming them on what went wrong in your life. It is not my fault that you choose to do what you did. I did not influence your decision I didn't whisper in your ear what to do you choose to do what you did and I shouldn't have to explain this to you. I should in fact be drunk out of my mind because isn't that what your twenties are about?

-Fatima

Monday, March 30, 2015

Moving on

Moving on is simple. It's what you leave behind that makes it difficult.

Some times I wish I could erase my painful memories. A lot of people would argue that those memories make you stronger or something like that, but in reality they just wear me out. It's like that song by bring me the horizon, I'm not sure which one it is but it's the one where they say "what doesn't break you makes you wish that it did." I keep running into these situations where I find myself sinking further and further below and no longer caring about it. I am aware that I am sinking and I can see the sky and the surface, but I no longer care to swim up onto the surface to see the same thing that everyone tells me is so great when I think that there could be better, and that's what horrifies those around me.

I ran into someone that I knew a couple of years ago, and this persona was telling me about all of these people that I used to know and how now they have kids, or are married, and here I am laughing at it all because I knew these people and I knew that they were the most irresponsible lot that I had ever met and here they were having families. It shocked me really to see how the circumstances have turned. I told this persona that I was glad for them, and somehow it came up that I come up quite a bit in conversation, and I said to this persona; "and here I thought no one spoke of me anymore," jokingly, and this persona looked at me very seriously and said;

 "You would be amazed how much you come up in conversation." Then this person went on to tell me how they would all wonder together if I had actually happened or they all had a lot of drugs in their system to hallucinate me for as long as they did. This person said that I had become a myth that they all wonder about together. This person mentioned how one person (for the sake of not getting mixed up we will call this person Y) the persona (persona who I ran into we shall call this person person G) Person G was telling me how Person Y a guy we both knew was always telling him how his biggest regret was not being with me, and how it came up constantly. Its tragic really I disappeared completely from these people's lives and I had no idea how deeply the connection of my existence was.

They thought I would be there forever when I always said I would be a short-lived connection they would have, and it wasn't until I disappeared and was gone that they realized that I was one of those once in a lifetime people that happens once in your lifetime. What I found sad about the whole thing is that I had feelings for that person at that moment in time as well, and so I told person G. I told him that a lot of things got in the way at the time so I decided to leave the whole thing alone. But what was odd was that I had completely forgotten about that group of people and when I ran into Person G I completely ignored him because I had absolutely no idea who he was.

We both got off at the same stop on the train it was raining. I was in a bad mood because I hadn't slept in days and this one person in one of my classes was starting to aggravate me. My brother was following closely behind me, because he could sense that I was ready to strangle the person in my class who was aggravating me. I saw this person in front of the exit of the train platform and that person was starring at me which annoyed me, because I was already angry at the current situation and I was in a very aggressive mood already, so staring at me was not the best idea. This person tried to stop me, but i mean mugged him to get my point across, and this person G still went for it and said:

"Excuse me I hate to bother you, but is your name by any chance Fatima?"

"Yes. Who are you?" I said, as I was trying to figure out where I had met this person before.

"Oh good. I'm not sure if you remember me. My name is 「Persona G」. We went to high school together."

"Oh! that's right! I am so sorry I did not recognize you to save my life." I said suddenly remembering who this person was, and this persona started telling me about everyone and to be honest I kept prodding this person because I had forgotten who half of these people were, and then came up the conversation of person Y who I had forgotten about until he came up during this conversation and it just made me think of all of the possibilities and all of the things that could of happened had I kept going with that lifestyle, and I was relieved that it didn't happen. I would sacrifice being loved, and loving someone to be in this exact same spot at this time. I have no idea what I am doing, but I'm doing something. At the time when I knew these people I always had an idea of what I was doing, but I wasn't doing anything worthwhile or anything I would recommend doing other than being self destructive. Now I am channeling that into my music or what I tell you here, or into my art, and I am so much better than what I was at the time. Although I felt flattered to be the one that got away I also felt that things turned out better than what they would have.

-Fatima

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Another World

Last night I as I wrote my last entry I came to realize that maybe its a good thing that I am having help for what I feel or see and it made me realize that maybe I shouldn't see my birthday that way. I realize I am quite dramatic, but as I was writing what I wrote last night there were some things that even I didn't realize that I felt. I think I should change those habits and sort out the feeling of feeling trapped. Maybe it is time for me to move to another city, another state where everyone I currently know can't get to me as easily all the time. I was jokingly saying I should move to another planet when "Another World" by Capsule started playing, and I was talking to my godmother today about everything in my life and how I felt about everything and once again without fail I started crying again. I don't know why I keep crying, and it absolutely annoys me to feel so much, and she said that she had talked about me to my godfather and had said that maybe its time I move on and build my own life elsewhere in a faraway land where no one knows me or knows of me so I can start to stop feeling trapped and feeling too much responsibility. She says that yes its easy for my parents to live with me and for me to feel this trapped because they don't have to worry about me but in a lot of ways they have influenced me feeling so trapped. She said that they gave me way too much responsibility and since I didn't feel like fighting with them that its crushing my spirit and what ever else is left of me and the person that I am.

 I think she's right. I think I need to leave everything and everyone behind and finally become who I want to be instead of crushing my own spirit in order to accommodate others and not hold others accountable for the responsibilities and jobs that they are supposed to do but don't. Like my mother for an example she always had me mother the kids. I feel like the kids' mother even though I am not. She had her fun she made her mistakes and I am not the one to be held accountable for something she did. I always felt accountable for my brother because I felt that since I asked for him I had to take care of him. I felt like he was one of my things and I should take care of my things, so I mum-med him. I overprotected him, because I felt that I had to protect him that it fell on my shoulders to protect him, and I am now coming to realize that he is not my responsibility I am my own responsibility but he isn't mine. I don't know how to feel because I know that my mother will manipulate me into thinking that he is my responsibility and he isn't.

My godmother also brought this up that my mother is very manipulative of me and hands all of her responsibility to me and I'm already trying to keep myself together and she keeps nit picking and flat out insulting me being very well conscious of what she is doing. Now, I realize that a lot of people tell me to move out and just live on my own, and yes that would be great if I didn't think of instead saving that money and investing it in myself and going to school because I want to go to school and I want a career so I can go far away from here, and another thing I would like to mention I don't sleep, I rarely eat, I keep working because I honestly do not think I'm human some days I think that I am a fixture or some sort of ghost hovering around the world and I forget basic human things because I am too much in my head. I don't want a job that is going to pay me like shit work me like there is no end and treat me like shit. I want a job that works me like there is no end but pays me like there is no end, and I think having a career can provide me with that. A lot of people take my mothers side because they aren't aware of how manipulative and emotionally abusive she is, and when I try to tell people about this they take her side and say that I am just spoiled, and for fucks sake I work for everything I have why can't people be jealous of "oh hey she's hardworking I wish I was like that," no its always "ugh she has everything and her parents give her everything," and let me tell you that I have starved at times in my childhood because my mother is so selfish and stingy that she wouldn't give me dollar to at least eat, but of course people will believe what they want, and what annoys me the most is that she manipulates people every which way and she is so fake and people buy into this stuff. My mother stopped aging when she had me and to make matters worse she acts exactly like a sixteen year old girl even though now she's well into her fifties now and she is arguing with me like she's sixteen and I am her parent.

Its confusing and I don't know why at this point after 24 years I expect any better from her, and as I am telling my godmother all of this it all starts to make sense to her, and God bless her but she says that I should try going to universities far away from here so that I can get rid of everything I am not here, and so I can live my own lifestyle.

I apologize for any one that actually reads this blog although at this point I highly doubt it I just feel like I have to write about it so I can make some sort of sense of it all.

-Fatima

Ghost

I keep getting asked what I want for my upcoming birthday by loved ones, and the more I think about it the more I think that what I want is not what I am going to get. Contraire to my efforts to make everyone I know remember my birthday I grown to absolutely hate my birthday even against my best efforts to make more people remember my birthday and celebrate it with me because I don't want to feel alone, and my birthday is the one day of the year I don't want to feel alone. The more I get asked what I want for my birthday and I know that people mean well in wanting to give me something the more I think about what I really want for myself.

I got asked again today what I wanted for my birthday again today and as I am writing this I realize that I don't want to feel alone on my birthday I go to Olive Garden and have lasagna and a piece of cake for the past five years and as I am doing this I wonder what I did wrong this year for me to be here again this year, and I have been of the philosophy that if I can't have good company then I don't want anyone, and yet at the same time I don't want to feel alone so I grab the nearest person next to me in order to feel alone again this year. I would say I want a meaningful hug one that the other person squeezes you because they actually love you and are hugging you for the last time every time, but as I am writing this I realize that I slowly but surely have grown to stop loving people. I have grown to detest every person who tries to be my friend because my parents hate them or because I hate them because I was taught that if someone tries to love you to find a flaw then exaggerate the flaw to the point where you hate them. When someone tries to be my friend I find their flaw over exaggerate it then learn to hate them and stop talking to them suddenly and disappear like a ghost. Until this day my longstanding nickname is ghost because I disappear suddenly then become a myth that people wonder if I ever happened.

Someday I will pull off the ultimate disappearance and disappear from everyone whose lives I am involved in now and I imagine I won't be held down by my beliefs that I have now because of the people that I am involved with and I will be able to have ties with people without needing to exaggerate and play a role that I was assigned, and this also explains why I am a great actor because I constantly have to pretend to be whatever it is I am supposed to play in this role. I do know who I am but at the same time I will not get to be that person for a very long time, so I do what I do best I numb the pain to the point where I no longer feel it. I guess I will accept that I was born to be this depressed and this sad. I will accept that and I will feel it and I will carry on. Whatever doesn't break you really makes you wish it did just so that you wouldn't have to keep doing so. I forgot to mention in December I got into a car accident so yet another of my cat lives was used, but I remember that the impact gave me euphoria not because I could of died and I felt grateful for living, but because I was so close that I could taste my release from it all. The person I was with swore they saw their life flash before them, but I didn't I just felt my release from everything, and maybe as many people have suggested I am running away from feeling anything, or from living, and I am. What is the point of going forward when its the same thing, and when you try to change that because it might help out it becomes a new routine and in a few months you have the same problem, or because you have higher powers who restrict what you do and do not do. Why should I try anymore? Every birthday that passes no matter how much I try to optimistically look at it is another year that I have failed at being stable. It's another year mounted on to me that I don't have to look forward to when I know that in a year I will be thinking the same thing again the next year so what is the point to it?

-Fatima