Tuesday, August 25, 2015

First love


I started school this week and its a relief for me, because it gets me out of the house for a while. I am annoyed with a lot of stuff that's going on in my life. Mostly I am getting to a point in my life where I am trying to separate myself from the people in my life since as you guys have gathered really don't care, and its sad to say the following but in this world you have to look out for yourself, and as I've discovered recently its okay to be selfish, its actually best to be selfish in order to get yourself ahead, because in the end all you have is you. I once got a fortune cookie a few years back that said:

"First love and last love self love."

At the time I didn't know what a journey this fortune would send me through. A lot of people made fun of me for the message I received in the cookie, but it was hard for me to be selfish at the time, now however as lonely and upsetting as it sounds I have to move on, and not look back. I spent so much of my life and productivity looking back, and holding myself back that I forgot about my well being. I've come to terms that I might stay alone the rest of my life, and I'm starting to accept that. I am also starting to come to terms that I'll be okay if I move on but I can't stay doing the same thing over and over again, and repeating history with different variables because I know that the outcome will never be the same.

I started making changes in my life. I hacked off my hair. I cut off a foot of hair, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner.

                       

Right after I did it last week!

I did go to a salon to get it dyed and straightened out, and I felt great about myself because I had done it for myself. I like the change because it doesn't hold me down as much as long hair did hold me down aesthetically. I think I look great and in turn that makes me feel great. My best friend had been telling me that I would be fine if I cut it off and last week she finally convinced me and held my hand while I did it. Best . Decision. Ever.
I am also actively applying to schools to transfer to and the farther away they are the better for me. I like the idea of starting over with a new mentality and that's coming up soon so I look forward to it.

-Fatima

Monday, July 20, 2015

Movie Review Of "The Skin I Live In" (2011)

The Skin I Live In
Director: Pedro Andomar



Keeping up with my psychological movie thing I have going; the following movie has been described as "a horror movie without the screams." However I don't agree with that description. I find that this movie is extremely similar to Helter Skelter (2012) except this movie deals with things happening to the antagonist by the protagonist.

Storyline
Dr. Robert (Antonio Banderas) has a series of unfortunate events happen to him, and this movie deals with how he deals with the things that happen to him. Antonio Banderas plays a plastic surgeon whose wife Gal (Elena Anaya) was in a car accident where she was badly burned but being the object of his obsession he takes her to his house where he hides all of the mirrors and they live in darkness until his wife Gal (Elena Anaya) one faithful day hears her daughter sing a song that she taught her and accidentally sees whats left of herself and has a reaction to commit suicide. Gal lands dead in front of their daughter Norma (Ana Mena) and this has severe consequences on Norma's social life and she can't have a normal social life.  But during this time Dr. Robert throws himself obsessively to work on a skin that is durable enough to not get burned, or have a mosquito bites, but still soft enough to touch. He is immersed deeply into his work.
One day Dr. Robert takes his daughter Norma to a party and is shocked to find that she is having a good time. This party is crucial to the storyline because this party changes the plot entirely. In this party Norma is raped by Vicente (Jan Cornet) a dressmaker. Dr. Robert finds Norma after the rape and she associates Dr. Robert who is her father as the person who raped her even though he was the one who found her. This fact is revealed when Dr. Robert goes to visit Norma at the mental hospital. Norma develops a fear and hatred of all men.
Dr. Robert finds Vicente and kidnaps him one day after his shift at the dress shop, and makes Vicente his prisoner. When Norma dies Dr. Robert unleashes all of his anger against Vicente, and drugs him then gives him a vaginalplasty to Vicente's horror. Dr. Robert slowly starts turning Vicente into Gal, and gives him the skin he was working on.
There is a lot more of the storyline as well, but I narrowed it down significantly from my original review where I think I wrote down the entire movie. The storyline is very Tarantino where it starts in the end moves the story to the beginning  goes to the middle of the story then ends at the end. Also the story moves from perspectives constantly as the story unravels with Robert.

Acting
Well Antonio Banderas reminded me a lot of his character Armand in Interview with a Vampire (1994) Dark, Emotionless, but with easy personality switches. I don't think it was necessarily because both the characters of Robert and Armand were the same because they aren't. I think it was their similarities that reminded me of each other. Antonio Banderas as an actor has many layers he can go either way making complex to read.
Elena Anaya  evolved really well as her characters developed with the storyline. Her role as Vera and Gal were really complicated to act in because they were so different. These roles force you to think deeper  every time there is a twist in the storyline, and as an actor that is hard to interpret. This is my first time seeing this actress and I'm very impressed with the way she portrayed this role.
I also would like to commend Jan Cornet also did a very good job considering that the majority of things that happened to his character is not easy to evolve with.

Directing choices + the way the movie was made
The lighting reminded me of Miami deco architecture. The colors were bright but dimly lit, and I like this directors choice.  However I think the mood was portrayed well through the scenes and I was lost in the storyline and in the illusion of the movie. The complexity and depth was there and I think that I like how complex it was and how it makes you think but not to the point where after the movie you are still thinking of how it ended  because the ending was satisfying. The ending answers all of your questions the storyline comes full circle and I highly recommend it. It is in Spain Spanish so its a little hard to understand sometimes so I recommend subtitles.

I have a lot more reviews to post up I have them written down in my notebook and I will type them up soon.

-Fatima

Friday, July 3, 2015

Space Travel



I've been dealing with a lot recently, but I feel so tired, and its not like a tired that I am used to where I just don't have a reason to wake up for. This sounds bizarre but I am tired of pretending I have a reason to wake up, so I don't wake up. The other day I visited this city, and I felt like there was so much potential for me there. Then I found a reason to wake up. Unfortunately I wasn't there that long, and when I came back to where I am staying I had a fever, and spent my week binge watching House. But I've been so tired physically, and mentally tired, and I'm trying to understand why but I don't and none of this paragraph makes sense. I'm going out of town again tomorrow, and I'm indifferent about it. At first I thought it was because there was a remote possibility that I was homesick, but I realize now that I'm not homesick at all. I don't miss where I live at all, and there are really no reasons for me to return. Maybe I was right all along, and I've outgrown where I live. -Fatima

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Recently,

I apologize for not updating just had a family member pass away this Sunday we're dealing with funeral and such. Will be back when it's done. -Fatima

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Friday, June 19, 2015

Alpacca

It's been raining the past two weeks, and not the light drizzle that just passes by. It has been pouring with a force that can't be reckoned with. Oddly enough the rain is satisfying me I wake up to the rain, and I sleep to the sound of the rain hitting the window. I have been confused for a while now. Something happened that I'm not at too much liberty to say, but it was something that I never thought would happen, but at the same time I have an uneasy feeling about it all, and after asking five online fortune tellers, that have given me good answers in the past, and a magic eight ball I was sure that something was not right in all of it, and it has all given me a huge headache to be completely honest. I'm not really built to take on so much, and as many of my friends have said I; "open myself completely to drama," or "It's like you look for the drama in the little things in your life when it's not as exaggerate or dramatic as you make it seem." It must be true if multiple people said it, but at the same time if I exaggerate something it's because I feel that it is that intense, or big of a situation. I do not actively look for drama it just tends to find me and I tend to not know how to react to it so the situation misleads into it looking like I welcomed it when in reality I didn't know how to react to it.

I make a terrible person. There should be a handbook on how to deal with everything, and how to go about things. Life would be a lot more structured that way. When I talk to someone different and I tell them about my life and stuff that goes on in it they react like what I am doing is completely wrong or I've been living a lie or something. I don't think people realize that everyone is different. Do not get me wrong it's always implied that everyone's lives are different however it is not an applied technique that people use. Which is why I say there should be a handbook about these things kind of like when parents or people generally say; "Well I don't know its not like you came with instructions," either as an excuse to get out of a fight with you, or to justify a mistake, or to justify simply not knowing. Why don't we come with a generalized handbook on how to deal with different situations. Such as in my case there would be a section called: "How to deal with being to dramatic and to conform to social constructions referred to as 'norms'." [Insert serious emoji.] Or maybe there should be one on; "how to build constructive relations known as 'friends' and how to maintain them." I hope you all are feeling the passive aggressive in me in this last paragraph. People find things you are confident in and try to bring you down. If I enjoy telling a tale of something that happened to me in a dramatic fashion, with exaggerate details that's how I feel and I am not going to become the social construct of normal in order to satisfy others perception of me. Can you imagine how boring I would be without everything that makes me me? I might be a fool who believes that mermaids exist, and I might be a fool who has been talking exclusively to a stuffed alpacca the last two weeks, but I am satisfied with who I am. I don't feel ashamed that I am a dramatic person in my reactions, or that I am expressive in the way I say things, and I am not going to justify that I enjoy who I am because of some dark passive childhood thing that happened to me. Yes I grew up in an emotionally abusive place, and yes I am passive aggressive, and yes I have a need to express myself in an exaggerate manner, but I am honest about everything really except when I'm scared shitless of something and even then you can tell that I am lying because I am a terrible liar. If there is a handbook on how I should think and act to fit social constructions of norms then count me out of that mindset, and let me go live in the woods somewhere where I don't have to follow these things.

I'm actually very serious about the Alpacca thing I have been speaking to the alpacca for two weeks now, because I'm quite bored where I am, and the majority of the time my computer is dead for some unknown reason, or I am about to get an anxiety attack and since the alpacca can't call me crazy I like talking to it mainly because it will never talk back to me (I hope.) It's nice to have someone listen who doesn't have ulterior evil motives to fit it's evil little alpacca plan to take over the world or something. Really don't mind me I am just losing it.

-Fatima

Monday, June 8, 2015

Falling Out

Its been a couple of months since I've started noticing that I wasn't in love with anyone or anything anymore, and it wasn't a false alarm where I thought I was over it, but really wasn't. I don't know when I lost myself trying to find myself. I think I clung on to who I used to be because it scared me that that person was all I knew, and I feared accepting the present, and the future. I know that I talk about it a lot how over it I was but I wasn't I was so ready to move on quickly and forget it all that I forgot to have an intermission for myself. I felt like I was mourning the loss of who I used to be and I would not accept those feelings.
In the past few years I have done absolutely nothing. I say I'm doing something, but really I've kept busy to not deal with the fact that I'm not dealing with the real problem. I would meet person after person thinking that somehow I would find the cure to whatever was wrong with me. I would spend a lot of time by myself choosing to be alone over having company in order to deal with myself. I would cling on to past loves in order to blame it on something. Some days I found myself blaming myself. Other days I would blame everyone around me. I would project my flaws onto other people because I wanted them to be flawed as well. Then I met someone who was very similar to me, and who had no ties to the people I used to know and that was rare because I somehow would find myself running in similar circles to them. At around the time when I met her I finally had had enough of everything, everyone, and myself I had enough of myself.
When I met person B I was tired of pretending something wasn't wrong with me. I was tired of accepting other people as people I knew. I was tired of pretending I was doing something. I was so tired of being a person, and living. I had pretended to be what everyone wanted me to be for so long I was tired of being angry because I never set any limits. I hate confrontation because I grew up with person X and person X was a very confrontational person, and after a while I think I figured out that people who are confrontational just want attention, and it just angers them much more if you ignore them, and pretend they didn't say what they said. For some reason when people overstep my limits I feel like they are getting confrontational with me and I don't know what to do. Unlike me Person B sets limits and boundaries with people and I think I admire that about them.  Person B also has things they need to work on that I catch because I already have those qualities, and Person B has qualities and attitudes that I need to grow.
Its actually ironic that I met person B. Person B was or should I say is very persistent to be my friend, not someone I know casually, not an acquaintance, they are determined to be my friend. Person B goes out of their way to correct me no matter how many times I pessimistically bring up that our paths crossing is not going to be "forever," and that's another thing no matter how many time I explain to Person B that the social construct of "forever" is not an actually thing its just a social construct that holds no meaning, and is therefore useless, and therefore there is no such thing as "forever," they still say "forever." I don't know how person B is so optimistic about the future when I'm just amazed I'm still not dead.
I don't know why person B sticks with me I am the worst kind of person there is. I am by far one of the worst people you can have to call friend. I care more for the other person, than I ever do for myself. When I have a problem I feel like a problem if I tell someone else about it, so therefore I don't tell anyone. Then I get mad because people didn't magically ask me "what's wrong?" or if they did they didn't persist, and I persist that I am fine when I am clearly not, and I don't know why Person B wants to stick with me. I always thought of myself as a person that is briefly in people's lives when people need someone to give them guidance, and bring out the best in them again, but when it all went down in flames for me I had no one like that. Its ironic I needed myself to bring the best in me. I stuck with people who were overly selfish, because I had no idea how to be selfish enough to protect myself and my feeling because in the end all I am left with is memories I don't want and that I have worked really hard to oppress. Songs I can't listen to because they remind me of someone else, or a memory I don't want to remember. Unfortunately I have oppressed everything and all I have left is the aftermath of what happened in the past five years.
The beginning of this year a lot of stuff that really should of happened earlier happened and while at that time it felt like that was the lowest point I could be at things got a lot better afterward. Its like that saying goes: "if you're already sinking down sink all the way to the bottom, so when you climb out you climb out a stronger person," or like that other saying: "Things fall apart so better things can take their place." After being in an abusive environment for so long when you are told that you don't have to be in it and you stop being in an abusive environment you have the (what I like to call the) "*WTF moment."

*Definition of  WTF Moment: A point in your life where you want to fall back onto old patterns because you don't really know how to proceed from here. In a way you are in limbo and you have to ask yourself; How did I get to this point? Wait What? But this was normal to me? No not me... Are you sure? HOW?

During the WTF moment phase of it I was questioning how I let it all happen. (After the denial.) Reconstructing myself has been a different matter entirely, because I'm no longer who I used to be even before all of that. Person B has been a big part of it. (Just to clarify person B isn't my lover nor will we ever see each other that way trust me.)  I'm glad that Person B has been persistent on being there for me, and in a way forcing their friendship onto me. It's kind of like in Kamikaze girls where I would be the Lolita already used to being by myself and person B would be the Biker gang girl forcing her friendship on to the Lolita. Which now that I think about it really makes this funnier, because now that I compare Person B she really is like the Biker gang girl, and she would headbutt me just to get her point across, and considering that Person B has nicknamed me the Aristocrat because according to person B I dress too much like an Aristocrat for my own good, it really makes this entire thing funnier, because this entire time I have been looking at what's happening to me and not realizing it. I am now going to compile a list of stuff that has happened to me since meeting person B.

List of Stuff that has happened since meeting person B

-Person B and I get into a car crash, and were okay, but my car wasn't.
-I had a brief head concussion to the car crash I lost a bit of time.
-Got almost fired, so I quit my ex-job.
-I broke up with someone (acquaintance) who I knew didn't give a shit about me, but I wanted to appear normal so I  stuck with this person to appear normal.
-I had an obsessive jealous guy fall in love with me even though all I did was offer the dude the  empty chair next to me because I saw the room was full and I know I'm a pretty intimidating person  and have chronic resting bitch face. This dude almost hit one of the people I knew because she  pointed out to him that he had no possession of me and shouldn't be speaking to me like I was an  object or as part of his property.
-I actually liked someone and I actually tried. I failed but I tried this time.
-One of my exes tried to reenter my life and I felt nothing about it. Which shocked me.
-I had another dude try to kill me because I was very honest to him when he confessed about having    feelings for me and let me tell you how fucking nice I was to the guy and when I told him that I          didn't find it fair to him, but that I don't have feelings for him, or anyone at this time, and at first he    was really cool about it, and I was so impressed with how well he took it. Then the next time I saw      him he became really aggressive with me and I shit you not he wanted to kill me. (I'm safe now I  dealt with it. I threatened him back and told him to stay away from me.)

List of how Person B reacted to above list

-After the impact Person B started arguing with me about suing other person, and that's how I knew  they were okay.
-After the accident Person B told me what happened and what I did with a lot of patience.
-Person B told me they treated me like shit anyway.
-After listening to me about the acquaintance advised me that it would be best to break away from  them since all that the acquaintance seem to achieve is to piss me off.
-Told me to stab the dude at first but then she told me to straight up tell the dude to fuck off.
-Told me to try and get closer and gave me really helpful advise as to what to do with person I liked.
 Person B would even go with me to see the person I liked, and when I figured that I was failing  person B consoled me.
-When I was hysterical about not being hysterical about ex. Told me it was because I was a different  person and my ex was starting to see what they had lost and regretted it.
-Person B told me to warn the dude that Person B was going to (and I quote) "chop his balls off and  feed them to sharks in the atlantic ocean." Then told me I was too pretty for my own good, and that  caused problems. Which gave me the balls to threatened the guy.

It almost sound now that I am writing this too fake to be true, but I have the scars (Literally not figuratively) to prove each and everyone of these incidents.

-Fatima